The Hung Bard: March 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Trick Daddy Has Lupus

There are certain events that people remember exactly where they were when they happened. Monday was one of those days. Dozens of people are dealing with the shock of hearing that Trick Daddy has lupus. Trick has struggled privately for 12 years with the disease and is now coming out.

" I went to the doctor, like, 12 years ago. She took all kinds of tests, because I was trying to get rid of what we call dry skin; she did biopsies and blood tests and swab tests. She told me I have lupus. I am allergic highly to the sun, that’s my worst enemy. It’s like an AK-47 (gun) with a double clip on it,”

The parenthetical (gun) comment was added after by the crack reporting staff at Hip-Hop Crunch. It takes notes like that to help those of us without lupus understand Trick Daddy's world.

The Face of Lupus

Mr. Daddy has not asked for help or donations, he believes in dealing with problems head on. A trait he learned from his mother.

"My mama had 11 children from 10 different men. If she can live with that, I know I can live with this."

Even without monetary giving, support has poured in from Trick's loyal fans.

"You stupid a$$ f!ck boy, wTF is wrong with you? Ain't had a hit for years??????? You must be a dumb ass wanna be rapper!!!! Don't you know nann nigga?? Oh, yeah don't f%ck boy. Ask your self who ta f#ck put Dade County on the map when the north still ruled!!! WTF? Anyway, Live Life Trick Daddy!!!!!!!! OUT "

"damn, these dirty-azz country niggas, Trick probably got herpes and AIDS as well, u know how it goes down in Miami, all those dirty ass cuban hoes who don't wash and probably carrying 25 stds each. Trick Daddy needs to use a condom next time or these things will continue to happen."

A prayer service for the whole Daddy family will be held at the Dade County Church of Christ. Even if you can't make it out, please keep Trick in your thoughts as he deals publicly with his private disease and book deal.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Bill Channels Anton

Wow, I apologize, but I do have a reason I didn't call. Let me start by saying I am not making excuses....but......As I was about to send a text message, cell phone in hand, a pterodactyl swooped down and took my phone right out of my hand. As I stood there dumbfounded trying to grasp what just happened I looked around to see if anyone else saw what happened, I felt a presense behind me...I turned to say "did you freakin see that".

You will never guess who was standing there...It was a sasquatch...yeah old bigfoot himself. It seems that sasquatchi love pterodactyl....eating pterodactyl that is....No other words said, we took chase...I was falling behind so Tiny (he told me all of his friends call him Tiny) anywhoo...Tiny stopped and swept me up and put me on his shoulders (did I mention that sasquatchi are huge..I mean I am not a little guy but this dude was huge. Sooooo, as we lumbered across the terrain, me clinging to Tiny's flowing brownhair, he said watch this. He lept into the air and we were flying, all superman style...Yeah freakin flying....Sasquatchi can FLY. It was beautiful, the wind was flowing through my hair cause I had taken my shirt off (imagine riding on a flying saquatch and not taking your shirt off). We finally spotted the flying lizard and old Tiny turned and took chase. Tiny was nipping at the pterodactyl's heels...he swatted, the pterodactyl looked back and gasped...when he did my cell phone fell out of his mouth and was falling toward a huge lake or a Loch if you may (cause it seems that we had flown all the way over to Scotland)...As I saw my phone floating down toward the cold water...I shouted NOOOOOOO I HAVE TO CALL MY BUDDY HEPHHHHHHHH. I jumped off Tiny and was diving toward the Loch. Tiny saw what happened and said, "that is a true friend to do that for someone's buddy like that, I am gonna catch this bastard and rip him to shreads then come backto get you". I didn't care, I knew what I had to do...as I was swooping toward my phone (kinda like Harry Potter going for that little flying ball in a quiddich match) this huge Dino looking thing came up out of the water and caught me in one of his huge flippers just as I snatched my phone. I said thanks buddy...he said "no problem". He moved over and gently sat me down on the bank. I sat there waiting for Tiny to come back thinking that no one will ever believe this. About that time Tiny showed back up with the pterodactyl's limp dead body in his grasp. I asked him to pose in a picture with me and the Dino looking thingy. He said no problem.

"No problem."

Because we are all so big I couldn't just do the self-pic thing...I looked around for someone to take our picture. Just then a little dude dressed in all green walked up mumbling something about lucky charms. I asked him if he would take our picture with my cell phone...He said cool...I saidcool. Soo we struck a pose and the little bastard took off. He was fast...I mean super fast. My phone was gone for ever. I looked at my watch and told Tiny that I needed to get to work...He said no problem and flew me back. As I was walking up to work this morning (So sad cause I couldn't call my buddy on his birthday) guess what I saw...guess...bet you can't..It was a huge pile of green sasquatch shit. It seems that sasquatch like to eat little dudes dressed in all green also...I stood there staring at the poo and though I heard something....I did...I did...Could it be...it was the General Lee's horn. I reached in and there it was....My phone. I stuck it my pocket and hummed. So like I said I am sorry I was not able to call you on your birthday.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It's Official, The Pope is a Dumbass or Evil or Both

Cor! I Like Tits!

The Pope thinks using condoms makes the AIDS problem worse. He was unavailable for further comment, as he was too fucking busy holding down science and ass raping it with the bad end of a shovel.

"Benedict had never directly addressed condom use. He has said that the Roman Catholic Church is in the forefront of the battle against AIDS. The Vatican encourages sexual abstinence to fight the spread of the disease.
'You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms,' the pope told reporters aboard the Alitalia plane headed to Yaounde, Cameroon, where he will begin a seven-day pilgrimage on the continent. 'On the contrary, it increases the problem.'"

Fuck you sir. Fuck you.

He also did this:

"On the plane, Benedict also dismissed the notion that he was facing increasing opposition and isolation within the church, particularly after an outreach to ultraconservatives that led to his lifting the excommunication of a Holocaust-denying bishop."

Monday, March 16, 2009

The 'Next Blog' Button

Don't use it.

http://qiqingliuyushop.blogspot.com/

This is why. The end.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Tony has nothing on this guy!!

YORKTOWN — A man arrested for allegedly masturbating at his mailbox Tuesday afternoon told police he was showing his neighbors “who was boss,” according to police reports.

Daniel T. Doster Jr., 42, 8501 W. Pleasant Road, faces preliminary charges of vicarious sexual gratification, a class D felony carrying a maximum three-year prison term.
According to witness accounts, Doster’s behavior took place while a 19-month old neighbor boy was playing in his yard with his mother.
Tuesday was Doster's second arrest since Jan. 20 on allegations that he was masturbating by his mailbox. Doter is facing a charge of public indecency in Muncie City Court in connection with the Jan. 20 arrest.
Yorktown officer Mike Daugherty arrested Doster around 4:30 p.m.
“Once I read him his rights, Daniel admitted to me that he was standing at the mailbox masturbating to show his neighbors who was boss,” Daugherty wrote in the probable cause affdavit.

When in the course of human events it becomes so necessary to prove that you are "the the boss" only one course of action can be considered. So I propose this slogan,
No masturbation without representation!