What the Fuck Are We Learning from the Learning Channel?

Here's one day's worth of programming from TLC, THE LEARNING GODDAMN CHANNEL.

How much 48 hours and Jon and Kate and little girls in tiara's do we need? Did I miss the police women seminar in fucking college? What the fuck are we learning here?

12:00 am
(60 minutes)
Police Women of Broward County Hell of a Cop TV-14 (DL), CC The four tough-talking Police Women of Broward County battle crime as Andrea tackles a drug dealer twice her size, Ana outsmarts a stripper with some drugs to hide, Julie goes undercover as a prostitute and Shelunda investigates a bloody fight.
1:00 am
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Broken Hearts and Fresh Starts TV-PG Newlyweds, Olivia and Andrew, are moving to New Jersey. Though Andrew is not your traditional handyman, he is excited to tackle the home renovations. Grace, who is still mourning the loss of her husband, attempts to move on with her 17-year old son.
2:00 am
(60 minutes)
Police Women of Broward County Another One Bites the Dust TV-14 (DLV), CC Andrea stops a woman who claims wind blew marijuana into her bra; Ana takes down a drug dealer who's selling dope out of his mom's house; Julie arrests two rape suspects and goes on the hunt for a third; Shelunda pulls over a woman who can't stop crying.
9:00 am
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Red Hot Sass Meets College Class TV-G, CC Excitement, irritation, and exhaustion all mix together in Apex, North Carolina, as three young couples move in to their new homes and adjust to their new lives. Doug Wilson joins these families as they cope with the stress of moving and having babies.
10:00 am
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Color Clash TV-PG, CC Advertising execs Keesha and Yves hate art-loving Ernesto?s brightly colorful bachelor pad, and while they both agree that the pea green and canary yellow walls have to go, there?s a battle of wills over whether to whitewash the house?s history.
11:00 am
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Beige Be Gone TV-G, CC Long-distance and familiar relationships are put into question as three couples move up in New Jersey. Host Doug Wilson coaches them as they struggle to redecorate their new homes without alienating their significant others along the way.
12:00 pm
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Broken Hearts and Fresh Starts TV-PG Newlyweds, Olivia and Andrew, are moving to New Jersey. Though Andrew is not your traditional handyman, he is excited to tackle the home renovations. Grace, who is still mourning the loss of her husband, attempts to move on with her 17-year old son.
1:00 pm
(60 minutes)
Police Women of Broward County Let's Get the Next Customer TV-14 (D), CC Andrea forces a drug dealer to spit out the evidence; Julie brings in a suspected statutory rapist; Ana chases a perp through the night; and Shelunda breaks out her fingerprinting kit to gather evidence after a robbery.
2:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence The Enemy Within TV-PG (V), CC A soldier from the Army's elite 82nd airborne unit was sentenced to life for murdering an African American couple in North Carolina. This was a racially motivated crime that launched the Army's largest investigation into extremism within the ranks.
3:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Right or Wrong? TV-PG (V), CC Susan Wright, a stay-at-home mother from Houston, Texas stabbed her husband, Jeff, 193 times. She claimed she was a victim of domestic abuse and Jeff attacked her, yet she took five days to report the crime, and she'd buried Jeff's body in the backyard.
4:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Killer Next Door, The TV-PG (V), CC Donald Miller, criminal justice major in college, was sentenced to 30 to 50 years for rape and attempted murder, but was suspected in the unsolved murders of four other local young women. Miller agreed to work with police to recover his memories.
5:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Terror at the Morgue TV-PG (V), CC Doctor O.C. Smith, a Memphis, Tennessee medical examiner was apparently attacked on June 1, 2002, as he was leaving work. He was found wrapped head-to-toe in barbed wire with a bomb strapped to his neck.
6:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Secrets from the Grave TV-PG (V), CC Bill was involved in an ugly custody dispute with his ex-wife, Cassandra, over their child. About two years after the divorce, Bill survived an ambush attack by Cassandra's brother and her new husband and almost died in a suspicious on-the-job accident.
7:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Puppet Master TV-14 (V), CC A report on the marriage of Heather and Ron Samuels, who, even after divorcing, were involved in a bitter custody battle.
8:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Abducted TV-14 (V), CC Focuses on the accounts of two abductions that sparked a worldwide search
9:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Addicted to Love TV-14 (V), CC When police arrived at the Franklin, Tennessee apartment of Lesa Buchanan on the Fourth of July weekend in 2005, they were surprised by what they found in her home: a cache of prescription drugs and sex toys
10:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Boston Strangler TV-14 (V), CC "The Boston Strangler" - a report on a new investigation of a 1964 murder case, evaluating new evidence that suggests that Albert DeSalvo, thought to be the Boston Strangler, may not have been the infamous killer.
11:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Abducted TV-14 (V), CC

Do you know how I know George Lucas is gay?

Police were called to Mountain View Drive early Friday to investigate reports of intoxicated men urinating on cars.
While officers were en route, the men allegedly got undressed.
Witnesses said one was completely naked, one wasn’t wearing any pants and they couldn’t see the third man because the other two were on top of him, they said. The witnesses said they heard somebody yell “return of the Jedi” while the three were naked and entwined.
When officers arrived, they found three men — a 59-year-old and two 23-year-olds — on a porch. All appeared to be drunk. They were surrounded by empty alcohol bottles, according to the police report. All denied they had been involved in the incident.
“We’ve got our clothes on, must not have been us,” one said.
Witnesses identified the three as the men who had been causing the disturbance.
A report was forwarded to the prosecutor to review charges of lewd conduct.

Yeah, you knew this was coming...

Recently, our friend Justin has lost a dear part of himself. His beard, that steady companion of his, was taken from us all in a tragic ninja ambush attack. I think. Point is, it's not there anymore.

"Face lonely..."

But have no fear, thanks to the power of Photoshop, we can project what Justin's future beards may or may defiantly not look like...

First, we have "The Patch." Basically, Justin just grows a single patch of hair on his neck. The advantages of "The Patch" is that Justin would be scary as all hell. I mean, no one would want to mess with a guy with a random patch of hair growing off the side of his neck. The disadvantage is that Justin is trying to find a job, so "The Patch" may not be the best choice...

"Why yes, I have my Masters in Communication, and DON'T LOOK AT IT. YOU'LL MAKE IT ANGRY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS CAPABLE OF!!!!! Yes, Undergrad from EKU."

Next up is "The Gay Hitler." I don't think anything else needs to be said about this one.

"Seig heil sailor..."

And then we have "The Canadian," used to sport a more rugged look. This is a great beard for people who like to drink beer and/or have an Adamantium skeleton.

"Sup, bub?"

And lastly, we have "The American." Perfect if Justin plans on going to NASCAR rallies or town hall protests.

"My beard ain't want none of your gov'ment run health care!"

Mickey to lead X-Men, Cripples not allowed in Disney movies

Well folks, its over. Iron man will no longer be the lovable, belligerant drunk we all know and love (or emulate if you're Fatbeard). Wolverine and the Punisher will finally "put it in the happy box". Cyclops...well he'll stay the same but Mary Jane watson will never wear daisy dukes again and the Black Cat is gonna have to cover up. Its finally happened, two superpowers from our childhood Disney and Marvel fought it out, and Marvel lost.

In an attempt to boost sales amonst young boys, Disney bought Marvel, and with it the rights to all Marvel characters. Does this mean Wolverine, with his desire for socially awkward redheads will finally bang Ariel? Will we finally get a lesbian scene between Storm and Jasmine? Doubtful, but I bet every one of you though about it for a second when I mentioned it (its ok, its hot).

See folks, the problem is Marvel was one side of a young boy's (or 28ish man living alone or with other guys) desires. Superpowers, a carefree life and hot women perpetually in skimpy clothes and cheesecake poses. Disney was the childhood innocence the young boy (or said men) have as well. They're two completely different beasts, and when one encroaches on the other, someone is gonna lose.

Its a sad day for drunken rich playboys in powersuits, telepathic cripples, and superhuman clones everywhere. The booze is history, the tits will shrink, the clothes will grow and the sex drive of young boys (and gamers) will be perminantly weaked.

Oh well, there's always DC (Powergirl....mmmmm).

Nature's Awesome

Dear fellow Hung Bardians,

Allow me to introduce you to one of nature’s most awesomest creatures ever! Are you ready? I doubt it. Allow me to introduce you to… the Sugar Glider!

This guy is Australian-wacky-animal at its best (and they’re totally not poisonous, which is weird for Australia…I wonder…

Poison Fairy: “G’day, mates! Crikey, which one ‘ol you little buggers wants some poisonous critters?”

North America: “I do!”

Africa: “I do!”

South America: “Uhm… ok, I guess I’ll take some but just a few please. I already have all kinds of dangerous/weird animals that I picked up from that last stupid fairy (I noticed that the rest of you guys didn’t stop me, even though you knew I was stupid drunk. Thanks jerks!)

Poison Fairy: “Too bad.” [Gives big, heaping hand full to South America.]

South America: “Thanks Asshole! Now nobody is going to want to live here!”

Poison Fairy: “ ‘K mates, I still have most of what I brought with me left. Anyone else? I’ll toss in a boomerang for free.”

Australia: “Sold! Crikey that’s a lot! Let’s put a shrimp on the barby!”

Poison Fairy: “Brilliant! Well, I’m off lads! Best of Luck.”

Sugar Glider Fairy: “Here you go buddy.”

Australia: “Wait, what?”

Sugar Glider Fairy: “Too late sucker! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” [Flies away only to be caught by the Criminal Fairy, also heading over to Australia, and is brutally raped and murdered] ).

--------

So… Sugar Gliders…
As shown in the picture above, these guys are cute and cuddly. They can also fly. I, personally, think this only enhances the cuddle factor and also makes them fun for parties:

Dude: “Hey Other Guy, pass the Sugar Glider!”

Other Guy: “Here you go Dude! [Throws Sugar Glider like a fricking baseball]

Sugar Glider: [SPLAT!]

Other Guy: “What the hell! I thought these little guys could fly!?”

Dude: “Nope. They glide.”

Other Guy: “Oh.”

-----------

Okay, so Sugar Gliders are from Australia and can fly. They are also marsupials (That’s Australian for, ‘weird as shit) Also, they are the MOST AWESOME ANIMALS EVER. I cannot thing of a single animal that even comes close (Screw you cats! In your face Hamsters!)
Now you may ask, “Sir, Why are you so exuberant about these funny little creatures? [Twirls Mustache]
Well, Shut-up! I’m going to have to break my answer down into two parts now Mr. Jerk! Where did you by your stupid? From the stupid store?!

1. Sugar Gliders are pets.
2. Sugar Gliders evolved.

The Awesome Factor inherent to Sugar Gliders is derived from the idea of keeping these guys as pets. Let me explain.

As mentioned before, these little monsters can fly, glide, whatever. They also tend to shit and piss while they fly. Let’s put it like this, they need large cages (about 66” by 28”) so they can fly around. You also need to move everything away from the cage, about 4 feet away, to keep your stuff from being covered in crap (Which is very acrid and smells horrible). Also, they’re nocturnal. Yep, that’s right; they fly around their cages at night crapping all over the place. Oh, I almost forgot, they also scream loudly and bark like a dog (seriously, they sound just like a dog and their scream is really, really weird) all the time. So let’s review: they fly and crap everywhere, in the middle of the night, while screaming and barking like a dog. Wow, that sounds like an awesome animal, right!? But wait, there’s one more thing which, in my haughty opinion, is what propels these little guys right to the top of the awesome chain…
(WARNING: Awesome is an immutable force of nature a universal law. However, different people have different ideas of what awesome is. How is that possible? It’s a mystery, that’s how jerks! Some scientists think that alcohol was involved. They’re probably right.)

What makes these little bastards so awesome is that on top of their other awesome habits/quirks (poop), they also get super depressed super fast and kill themselves if you don’t pay attention to them. Yup, that’s right; the little guys KILL THEMSELVES if they don’t get enough attention. That’s why responsible Sugar Glider owners have to carry their pet with them EVERYWHERE, or get someone to babysit them while they are out of the house. Neat!
To sum it up: Sugar Gliders fly around in their cage, in the middle of the night, crapping and pissing all over the place, screaming/barking like a dog (really guys, its kinda unsettling) and if you don’t sit around and pay attention to them, they kill themselves. Here is an illustration of how I imagine this to work.

Wow. I mean, really…wow. God bless you nature. Speaking of nature, how the hell did these things evolve to be sooo insecure? They’re like natures young Japanese male. I bet it was something like this:

Primordial Sugar Glider: “I’m sad [hangs self with tiny noose]

Nature: “Good Job!”

[Sugar Gliders Evolve to sinister phase-two...]

Nature: “Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
-------------

So that’s about it for Sugar Gliders, Nature’s Awesome. Oh, and one last thing; all the Sugar Gliders websites that I looked at (1-2) all pretty much said, “Hey! Don’t get these guys as pets!”

Gothos in the wild

So wait....you've seen a live Gothopotomus? Sure I've seen photos and the occasional corpse of one when they wash up on shore, but never a LIVE one. Tell me, what are they like? Do they reek of cheap incense and shame? Is it true they respond amicably to shouting "Heeeyyyy Fat Girl! You Ticklish?" while holding out the latest Anne Rice novel? Is it true when you pet them they make the sound of a purring walrus? So many questions....

Vampire stuff reply

Dear Sir Onion Knyght (sp?),

I’m afraid you have your facts out of sorts. It is not just the “Gothopotamus” that has found interest in these books, but indeed the mainstay of the teenage girl population. In my vast experience of Manuscript Dispersal and Retrieval at the local Text Repository, I have found that these books are read by three separate groups: teenage girls, sad 20-30year old women and all the upstanding girls I know who would punch me in the face if they saw that I had this second group and didn’t put them in a separate group from that group.
In my experience, the book is so widespread that it actually traverses the normal “Gothopotamus” barrier and has affected normal people as well (and maybe Brian? It sounds like something he’d read so he could have talking points for when he meets random girls. Brian, if you are reading this don’t go, “Ah-Ha!”, and run down to the library. I’m not putting that on hold for you.)
The majority of the “Gothopotami” that I see at work actually look down on the Twilight series, “Meeeh, this vampire romance is for stupid pretty girls, not super awesome girls (and, ugh, boys) like me! I have discerning tastes! Anne Rice and Trent Reznor and black rainbows and whatnot!” (Nothing against Trent or Anne, It’s just that I assume that I appreciate his music and her writing (go Jesus!) on a much deeper level than they do.)
In conclusion, I submit that perhaps ugly people read twilight, but this Vampire Conspiracy is much larger than just a culling of the heard. It is an assault on our Vampire Social Consciousness, an attempt to alter how we view these blood sucking assholes in society. To put it simply, it’s as if your younger sister were allowed to play G.I Joe with you but she was calling the shots (More tea Mr. Joe? Oooh and how is Mrs. Joe doing today? Is she over her touch of the vapors? That’s good to hear. Oh, hello Cobra Commander! Did you bring the crumpets? ANTON, STOP MAKING THEM FIGHT! IT’S TEA TIME! THAT’S WHY THEY’RE WEARING DRESSES! )



P.S: YES SIR! COLONEL, SIR!

P.P.S: Justin, thank you for being a big enough man to apologize I know they appreciate it.

An open apology

Dear Beer Companies,

I am sorry. You see I got married and moved in with my new wife. I know this seems radical given my history with you guys but it happened. I have no excuses for my actions. Please, please, please do not punish other beer drinkers for my infidelity. I know the incredible verve with which I imbibed was a cornerstone of your economic plan. I also understand that my lack of excessive drinking during the week on work nights has hurt you, but this?

"The looming price hike comes as sales volumes in the brewing industry have declined. Anheuser-Busch InBev said earlier this month that total beer volumes were down 1.5% in the second quarter versus the same period last year."

Surely there is another way. Maybe we can work out a schedule of visitation for weekends and every other Thursday and you can have me on Thanksgiving, Halloween, the 4th of July, Labor day, Memorial Day, and Arbor Day. I'm begging for you to forgive me and to no longer punish my friends and colleagues who still love you.

Love in Christ,

Justin


Time Line:

2/6/09 Justin Gets Married
4/1/09 Beer companies enter a slump and begin raising prices

this is not a coincidence

The Battle is Joined...

"ON YOUR FEET, SCUMBAGS!"

"That's right. It's me. Colonel Motherfuckin' Sanders. Agent of KFC. And I am sick of this sparkly vampire bullshit. So guess what? The Colonel is going to get motherfuckin' medieval on some motherfuckin' vampires. But how are you going to do that Colonel? Motherfucker, don't you know who I am? Let me comb my beard while you gaze upon the death of sparkly vampire bullshit."

"That's right, motherfuckers. The KF'nC Double Down. Two strips of bacon, two types of cheeses, and the Colonel's special sauce. In between two pieces of boneless fried chicken. That's right motherfucker! Get that bread shit away from the Colonel. I'm using fried chicken for the goddamn bun. You see, sparkly vampires need blood to live right? Due to KFC's off the fuckin' hook testing (which you bitches aren't classified to know) sparkly vampires can't feed on human blood if that blood has a high level of near death fat content. So all you need to do is eat... it all starts with the Double Down. Next is the Triple Down. After that, its the Colonel Adds a Fourth Piece of Motherfuckin' Fried Chicken Down. Because that's who I am. It's what I do. You can thank me later."

"DISMISSED!"

Problems with vampires (and the beasts that love them)

Stumpy stumpy stumpy....I see they've been brainwashing you in your sleep again. While vampires are indeed notorious jerks (buncha freakin jerks), the 14-16 year old girls who love them do not grow up into babes. Its true, I'm sorry, but that is yet more of the vampire/communist propaganda. See it is a little documented but well know fact that the only chicks of legal age who have a thing for vampires weigh over 250 pounds. Its another part of the vampire curse, like burning in daylight or strange fears of religious icons. Its the lesser documented "Curse of the Fatty" It reads something like this.

"He who doth give his soul to darkness and feast upon the blood of the living, shall know only the loving touch of the gothapotomus. "

Of course the original is in Latin and there are no english equivalent for most of the words, but I have it on good authority that the translation is 110% accurate.

Speaking of, an image of a gothapotomus can be seen here:

















This of course is the lesser seen MALE gothapotomus, but at that size and with that many folds to work in, gender is pretty much optional.

Either way, 4 minutes at GenCon after sunset will show the truth in all their lies. Its sad, but hey, that's what they get for being notorious jerks.

Vampire Debate

I'm sure that given immortality and powers and stuff I would really just spend most of my time banging hot chicks. But let's settle this officially via the hungbard's first official poll. See to the right here.

A response to Onion Knight...

Dear Onion Knight,

Why? Why do you hate what you obviously don’t understand (14-16 year old girls). Yes, Vampires are soulless undead husks that plague humanity; Yes, Vampires have black hearts that feel no remorse but rather delight in the pain and suffering of others; Yes, Vampires are a filthy scourge that must be eradicated, lest they spread their unholy curse across the land... But, Can’t they sometimes sparkle in the sun and make out with children (comparatively speaking) while flying on magical unicorns?
You see, what you fail to realize is that 14-16 year old girls are really quite stupid with little, to no, survival instinct. (Why do you think they are getting pregnant ALL THE TIME?) Between ponies and rainbows and sparkles, it’s a miracle that they don’t swallow their own tongues. (Not that I have anything against rainbows and sparkles and ponies etc.; it’s just that I appreciate them on a much deeper level)
Now, while it’s ok to think of 14-16 year old girls as being ridiculous, it’s also important to remember that one day they will grow-up to be hot, legal, babes (woot!). For this reason, along with a few others I can’t be bothered to think of, we should do our best to keep them safe from vampires. That is where my opposition to these “Vampire Romance” books comes in. Who do you think help write these books?

Vampire 1: “Uhm… OK Stephanie, here’s what we do.

Stephanie Meyer: “Giggle!”

Vampire 1: “Right… ok now, focus. In this book Vampires are sexy and, Uhh, we sparkle in the sunlight, that’s why we only come out at night.

Stephanie Meyer: “Giggle, giggle! Sigh…”

Vampire 2: “And we’re super moody, but we can be fixed if we find the right girl…

Vampire 1: “Ha! Teenage girls are so stupid enough that they will totally fall for this shit! It’s a miracle they don’t choke on their own tongues. Score one for the Vampires!”

Vampire2: “I like eating babies and I’m never gonna stop!”

Vampire1: “High-five Bro!

Vampire2: “Heck yeah! Let’s have a blood orgy!”

Stephanie Meyer (To herself): “I can change them…”

[Sounds of vampires eating babies]

*Fade to black…*

So this “Vampire Romance” nonsense sounds like another one of their hair-brained vampire-schemes; like that one time when Vampires kept moving my glasses from my bedside table to the floor while I was asleep (Jerks).
I guess what we can agree on one thing Onion Knight, Vampires are notorious jerks. Also, teenage girls are obnoxious. Also… Vampires should carry nunchucks if they want to be taken seriously. Yeah.

Paranormal Romance and other foolish shit

God I HATE paranormal romance. The only thing worse than a goddamn cheesy-ass crotch-rubber is a goddamn cheesy-ass crotch-rubber where the main character is a bastardized monster. That goes for Twilight too. Damn kiddie authors taking perfectly good monsters and making them "less evil" and more "mysterious". "Lets make them sparkle in the daylight as opposed to burst into flames. They can eat animals instead of people too, oh and he's not undead so its not necrophilia. Now theres no drawback, he's just uber sexy and you can desire him without it being weird, and this dark mysterious stranger can love you back." FUCK...THAT....NOISE. Thanks to this shit we got kids dressin up in fake fangs, callin themselves "Baron von Vampyr" and drinkin Clamato Juice so they can feel "special" and "sexy" and something more than a shitty ass teenager who can't get a goddamn date . Vampires are soul-less walking corpses that feed off of humans like cattle. Thats right Vamp kiddes, your not a romatic love interest you're a goddamn cheesburger on two legs. Vampires don't want to love you, they don't think you're the love they have longed for since the dawn of time and they sure as hell aren't gonna sleep with you. He's gonna be all sexy and when your stupid ass falls for all his crap he's gonna rip your damn throat out and laugh and your stupid ass for thinking you could be a vampire. You know what happens to vampires? They get staked in the chest with an ash stake while they sleep, then their mouth get stuffed with garlic and their head gets lobbed off and the villagers throw you a goddamn party for sending that infernal soul-less monstrosity back to hell. If your a vampire you should be decimating small villages by using the pesants as a damn martini shaker and I should be able to cook hamburgers off yer ass if you're out in the daylight. God I hate paranormal romance.

Behold! Another Bizzaro Anton! This one is, I think, is a time traveler. He seems to have gotten his time machiney thing stuck in a giant puddle. Future me is soo rad. I hope he remembers what he's doing.

A letter from the editor

Dear fellow Hung Bardians,
Hello! How's it going? Sometime, when no one is around, I like to piss myself and then blame it on my cat, for fun! This makes me feel like a big man and I'm never going to stop! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ok, so I don't do that but I say that just to illustrate a point: That was some strong bourbon.

Self appointed editor (who is so bad at spelling, he immeadiatly abdicates the position to anyone other than Brian),
Anton

P.S. I'm not drunk right now, but rather am tired... and on my lunch break... and bored... Have you ever wondered how many kittens eating you alive it would take before it stopped being cute? Not many, that's my guess. Ooooh! Oooooh! I did get Dragon Ball Evolution in on hold (Its the live action affair). However when I look at the cover it makes me sad (and laugh too, wow, who thought this was a good idea!?). It seems that these actors want to be taken seriously (or so it is implied by the cover) and sadly, no one ever will. I actually kinda hope that the film is one and half hours of everyone powering up followed by some super kinky makeout scenes with the ladies that cause rocks and mountians and stuff to explode and whatnot. I realize though that this is only a dream and the actual movie will be even more lame. Ah well, back to work. I hope some homeless guy sees some invisible monsters and runs out screaming. That would put a smile back on my face.

Story Time!

So a few months ago the wife and I were going to see Angel's and Demons down at Newport on the Levee. While we were parking out in front we encountered a guy about our age (30ish) and he asked if we lived anywhere near Sparta, KY. We replied no since we live down in the Covington but he was fairly desperate to get to Sparta. The guy, who we'll now call Mike, said he was an Army ranger who travelled around to different Army bases and trained troops on one thing or another. He said his Mustang Cobra had broken down on the other side of the river and he didn't know anyone in the area and didn't have any way of paying his way there because they didn't take credit cards. The whole time I could see where this was going of course... asking for money in one way or another. But this guy looked pretty normal; dressed a lot better than me, smelled a lot better than me and looked a lot better than me.

We found out how much money it would cost to get him to Sparta via Taxi; about 60 bucks. We exchanged numbers and he even gave us a key to hold onto until we got our money back. We gave him the cash and saw him to the Taxi and he was off.

I checked the phone number as soon as we got inside... no dice. Dead number. I decided not to worry about it and to enjoy the movie. I tried doing some research on the guy when I got home, detecting the bullshit, and couldn't find out anything. As far as I could tell there wasn't a military base in Sparta. His name was fairly common so it was hard to track a specific person down without details. I even contacted the Military Police via email to see if they had any records of this guy. a criminal intelligence specialist from Fort Campbell confirmed that he didn't have any record of Mike. Of course I wasn't sure what kind of records I'd need to find his name so this was good enough for me to finalize his story's bullshit level.

I continued to do some research but without any success. I marked it up as a 'lesson learned' experience... until this past Friday.

I was in line, waiting for a table at Don Pablo's near Newport on the Levee with the wife when in walks none other than Mr. Mike with another bro and two women. I looked at the wife and asked for a confirmation and she said something like "Oh fuck that's him all right." My adrenaline pumped hard and I was suddenly super excited to be alive. Mike went to the bar while the rest of his posse waited in line for a table. I asked his bro "What's that guy's name?" and he replied "Mike." I quickly followed Mike to the bar and tapped him on the shoulder. He was trying to brush me off but I gave him the low down right quick. In so many words I told him he owed me 60 bucks. He said it was a case of mistaken identity. I wasn't falling for his bullshit this time. I listed everything he had said before and he produced a sweet business card with his name, another confirmation, and his number. Not wanting to fall for his shit again I called it right there to make sure it was in fact a real number. Sure enough it was. He said to call him tomorrow to work something out. I could detect most of the bar area looking at the two of us expecting a fist fight but I was keeping my cool pretty well. I went to sit down and was pretty livid.

A few minutes later he calls ME and says he recalls the situation and had just forgotten about it... more bullshit. Long story shortened, I have his assumed 'real' name and his 'real' phone number. Hopefully we get to meet up soon and I can claim my 60 dollars. He felt so bad about it apparently that he wants to give me some Funny Bone tickets... If he stiffs me again I will pay to find this douche's home address.

The Hoggy's Challenge: Anton E-mail

I totally spanked the Hoggy's challenge for my birthday. Anton was excited.

"If you complete the hoggy's challenge than you will receive a stupefied stare and a startled gasp from me followed by one (1) high-five along with dry heaving and crying while muttering "An affront to god... that was an affront to god and all that is holy... I... I renounce you god, how can I be expected to believe in you after that! Damn my eyes! Someone... anyone... pass the meat sticks. Mmmm, meat." I assume that Matt or John or someone will try to comfort me but I'll be all like, "No, it’s ok Jack (that’s what the cool kids call people they know, don't ask me why). I've had a good life." At this point I'll stand up dramatically and put on my leather jacket and aviator sunglasses dramatically and push my chair in considerately. "Catch you cats on the flip-side." and then I'll walk outside, jump on some guys motorcycle and try to ride off into the sunset but as I'm about to leave the parking lot some little unattended kid comes off to me and says, "Don't leave us mister. Please don't leave." And I’ll be all like, "Sorry kid, it's too late for me. Here, hows'about I jump those 10 cars as I leave." And the kid's all like, "Sure, whatev', I'm bored now." and then I'm all like, "Prick." And then I go to do the jump, the bike catches on fire, I miss the jump and crash and die screaming like a startled little girl.

So yeah, go ahead and do the hoggy's challenge. See what happens, jerk.

P.S. Whatever happens, I stand by my high-five. 'Cause finishing the challenge would be Awesome."

The New Old-timey Flex Masons

I'm just so proud. (click on the image to see it larger)

Coming Soon!

Available at a Brian's near you starting Saturday the 25th!

God bless you, Mr. Cronkite

Walter Cronkite has passed away tonight at the age of 92. He covered the allied landings at D-Day (By flying into Normandy in a fucking glider.) and wrote news stories while riding in bombers during WW2. Everyone who gives a shit about news knows who former NBC Nightly News anchor Walter Cronkite is, but I know and respect the man as the original Captain Motherfucking Obvious in news for his reporting in Vietnam.

"I'm Walter Cronkite, and this war is some unwinnable fucking bullshit..."

Would I feel this way if my father hadn't served in Vietnam? I'm guessing not. And that's the way it is.

"Cronkite is aginst us in Vietnam??? FUCK!!! GAMEOVER MAN, GAMEOVER!!!"

A literary fuck you

Fuck William Faulkner. I started on the seemingly fun task of reading all the Pulitzer Prize winning novels. Then I got to A Fable, and fuck Faulkner. The whole thing is like one sentence and really it's just a rip off of the new testament and a big waste of time. So don't read this.

Remember the "Let Jesus Fuck You" scene from the Exorcist? This is the novel equivalent.

The Politics

What's with the politics these days? It seems that everywhere you look you see people saying things like, "Ohhhh, Democrats, they make me so mads!" or "Republicans suck big time!" It seems to me that what we really need is a new political party with fresh new Idears tm. and a new mascot and a new secret handshake (only to be used in case of a party emergency or whenever). I assume that this task has fallen to me so I've gone ahead and developed a new party off the top of my head. We will be called The New Old-timey Flex Masons and our logo/mascot will be a unicorn riding a dragon riding a rainbow (The unicorn and the dragon will be wearing aviator goggles and aviator scarves which will look totally rad I assume). Our motto will be, "Oooooh Snap people who aren't us" and we will run for offices under the platform of free ice cream for all. We will push to have the national mascot or whatever changed to a Dinosaur jamming out on an electric acoustic guitar; his name will be Dinosaurous Rocks! tm.. For the new secret handshake we will punch each other in the face until someone cries. (The last person who cries at our national convention gets to be the presidential candidate!) I bet more people watch our national convention than either of the other two lame parties (The convention will also be hosted by future-robots who speak in guitar-jamming-solos and have a secret vendetta against all of humanity. Also, pretty ladies in skimpy tank-tops and sweat pants and leg-warmers will be dancing the whole time! See, wouldn't you tune in for that!) Ooh! Ooh! We would also have party sleepovers with scary movies and popcorn. Ooh! And we would settle all in-party arguements with knife fights! Ooh, and I'm the boss of the Party. Are you guys with me!?

P.S. Justin is right, Fuck You Sarah Palin.

Another Fuck You

Fuck Sarah Goddamn Palin. Who drops out of politics because they don't like people making fun of them? Jesus fucking Christ. Fuck her. Retarded ass fucking bitch with her bad genes causing retarded ass babies. Mrs. Palin: fuck you, fuck your shitty fucking daughters, fuck you and go choke to death. "Boo-hoo Letterman made fun of me. boo-Hoo." Grow a set if you want to stay in fucking politics.

Fuck you, and not in the good way. Well ... ... ok that way too.

If I were writing Vampire Romance Stories Books.

1. The first book would be titled Kissy Fang. The main character is named Pretty Sparkles and she is allergic to sunlight. She discovers that the only way she can stand the sun is to bath in the blood of the innocent. Enter handsome-vampire-with-a-bad-lisp-and-the-inability-to-say-the-letter-C. He informs her that she is, in fact, a vampire and should totally make out with him. She does and then immediately regrets it. Tough luck though lady, 'cause now they're married! She then has to go and meet his parents. As it turns out, Pretty and that-one-guy are not vampires and are also not married (At least they weren't until he performed the secret vampire wedding ritual behind her back while his parents were talking to her) Of course that isn't real either. Anyway, finally a pack of roving werewolves (Turns out they are real) wander by and eat her, that douche bag and his parents. When the cops get to the crime scene they vomit for hours (on account of the gore). Eventually they finish (vomiting) and declare it a botched murder-suicide and close the case. That night officer Thompson ate more sonic-spice hot wings than any of his fellow officers and spent the rest of the night receiving high-fives.
2. The second book is titled Vampire Shaw Shank Redemption. It’s exactly the same as the Shaw Shank Redemption except they are vampires.
3. The third book would be titled Vampire Uppercut! This book would reveal that the werewolves from the first book were actually alligators that had escaped from the zoo. The story follows their exploits following their daring escape from the zoo (They tricked their care taker into putting his head into one of their mouths). The story ends with the alligators being shot dead by sheriffs with Uzis in slow motion as the song free bird blares in the background. There are many witnesses to the shooting and they all agree it was a good idea.

I'm Not Smart Enough For MS Word

So I'm sitting around last night after a sweaty run and my wife, using my MacBook Pro, asks me to help her delete some pages from her word document. She had been creating a resume, cover letter, etc. Like the rest of us I've used MS Word more than ANY program ever... over the different generations of it anyway.

Now being in design school and being fairly proficient with many different design programs like photoshop, illustrator, indesign as well as many other random web/image/video/sound editing programs has made me confident in my general computer skills; those needed to operate MS Word included.

There I am looking at the interface, which isn't bad by any means, and I'm clicking around learning a bit about Word 2008 for my Mac. I can't seem to delete a page easily so I find a help article being the responsible user I am.

"Wow that help was easy to use," I thought to myself. "Good work MS!" But as I followed this so called help's instructions for this standard toolbar button I lost my mind a little. I stared at the screen and searched through menus for 15 minutes strait. My wife told me she'd figure it out but I would have none of that! I had been asked to help and I would help by god!

Fail. Pwn'd by MS Word. I'll never here the end of it...

New game! Can you spot the delete page button?

Our Only Defense

Late to the Party

I know I'm like the 5 billionth person to say this, but Fuck Dane Cook. Fuck him right in his retarded ass. I don't feel like writing anything witty here, cause fuck if Dane Cook can get famous by not being funny, maybe I can get a job. Fuck you Mr. Cook. Loud does not equal Funny. You know if you knew Dane Cook, you'd take the time to rape him with bad end of a shovel. Seriously, get pancreatic cancer and die. Go die. HAHAHAHAH!! See how funny I am?

Not Pictured: Funny

Unemployment leads to: Volume 1

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Dear Diary

Dear Diary
Dear diary,
It’s me again. I totally did it. I know you told me not to and all that, but hey, you’re just a stupid book and should mind your own god dammed business (I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel, ass wipe). Well, either way, you were totally right (jerk), I never should have eaten the second ham sandwich.
So there I was, in the lunchroom at work with my lunchbox and thermos (both of which have the Thundercats logo on them. It’s cool; I was totally a fan back in the day (childhood) and have vague memories of the show, kinda, so get off my back). As per usual I had packed two delicious ham sandwiches (one is a back up sandwich, though I never have needed it. I guess it’s more for comfort) and was just finishing off the first one while sipping my juice contently when Jenkins walked by the table and, like the jerk-face that he is, knocked my lunchbox on the floor. RAGE!
I was soo angry that I forgot myself for a moment and shouted, “Sir! You have proven yourself to be a notorious jerk and whatnot. I suggest that we fight with hands and feet or something, I don’t know…whatever.”
As I bent over to retrieve my property, Jenkins sat down at table adjacent to me and pulled out his lunchbox (his lunch box has the transformer’s logo on it which was a stupid show and was obviously a rip off. Jenkins is such a jerk) and out of his lunchbox pulled two ham sandwiches.
“Hey thunder-pussy”, mocked Jenkins as people in the room turned their heads and started kicking over tables, “You as stupid as that super-retarded lion jerk? I bet you think cats are sexy asshole!”
“I find cats handsome and respect their sleek and supple ways jack-off,” I retorted, “Anyway, at least I’m not in love with some robot-pedophile or semi or whatever. I bet your favorite transformer is the one who changes into an upside-down chair which you would then sit on… for sexual pleasure.”
At this point I noticed that the room had cleared of coworkers, we were alone in the room. Jenkins had finished his first sandwich and was playing with the second when he suddenly stood up, placing his hands on the table and leaning forward as he growled through gritted teeth, “Ok… there is only one way to settle this, ass. First person to finish their second sandwich wins. The loser is a total pussy… and has to throw their lunch box away.
“Challenge accepted ass-muncher” I responded in kind jumping up onto the table, sandwich in hand.
We glared at each other, there was a shared intake of breath, and then we started eating. It was awful. Sweat was pouring out of our faces. Eyes bulged. Tongues swelled. He was down to his last bit when he suddenly fell out of his chair and lay still. Curious, I put down my last morsel and walked over to my stricken opponent. His eyes fluttered open and he gasped, “Autobots, move out!” He instantly vomited all over himself and then jumped to his feet producing a .44 magnum from wherever.
“Ha! Ha! Sucker! You fell for the oldest trick ever! Now you will stand by and watch as I finish this challenge. Transformers rule your mom!”
“Oh no you don’t,” I responded awesomely. Thinking quickly, I did the only thing that I could: “Thunder! Thunder! Thunder Cats! Ho!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. Sir jerk-face assmuncher gave me a quizzical look and scratched his head with the heavy revolver.
“Whatev’” he said as he leveled the gun’s barrel at me. “Your damn cats can’t save you now.”
As he put the last bit of sandwich in his mouth he smiled a toothy smile. That’s when it happened. The wall behind him exploded in a flash of explosion power. The force of the blast threw him off balance just enough for him to be hurled across the room into the opposite wall. Recovering quickly, I peered cautiously into the smoke that had once been a wall. Out of the smoke stepped the puma-guy from Thundercats. He strode into the room and pulled out his cat-pawed numchuks.
“So, you the guy who called the Thundercats?” he said, looking at me.
“Hell yes it was me!” I cried in jubilation as my voice raised an octave. “Might I say it is an honor to meet you Mr. Panther-guy Sir. Can I hold your num-chucks? Do you people use a giant litter box or just go out in the woods? Do you find house cats attractive? Where is the pretty cheetah cat-lady? Could you introduce us? She looks like a good kisser on the show. Do you know if she’s a good kisser? I hope she is *Sigh*."
The panther guy just stood there listening. When I had finished he paused for a moment and then started beating me with his clawed num-chucks.
“Stupid *wack*, Lame *wack*, Hu-mon!” he cried,” Never, ever, EVER waste my time like this again *doublehanded-Tha-wack*! You are unworthy *wack* of the Thundercats-lunchbox™! Dammit Tigra, get over here and hold him.”
Out of the smoldering ruin of the wall came the cheetah lady…what’s her name. She leapt nimbly over the broken wall debris and ran over to panther guy.
“No, YOU hold him,” she said. And he did. While he held me from behind, she pummeled me from the front. When she got tired, they switched. This went on for several hours with them switching every several minutes. When they were finished they threw to the ground and the panther guy totally urinated on me. After a good hearty laugh they made out and then left.
I was wounded in both pride and my face (They had concentrated mostly on my face). I crawled over to Jenkins crumpled form and flipped him over onto his back. He was barely conscious, but he managed to say a few things to me.
“You were right. They are totally awesomessss……..*dead*
“I know,” I replied. I then took the magnum and put it in his hand to make it look like suicide. Everyone totally believed me and I was given an honorary position as Vice-Jim (my boss). The power went straight to my head and I was demoted after fifteen minutes. People still flick me off when they see me in the hall.
So that’s it Diary, that’s the story. It was totally awesome and I never should have listened to you. I hope you rot in hell.

R.I.P. Dave Arneson

We lost Gary last summer and now Dave. I guess the saving throw for cancer is really high. Two dudes that gave me freaking thousands of hours of enjoyment, thanks fellas. From the entire KBC:

The KBC

Rest in Peace.

FUCK

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FuckFuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

Trick Daddy Has Lupus

There are certain events that people remember exactly where they were when they happened. Monday was one of those days. Dozens of people are dealing with the shock of hearing that Trick Daddy has lupus. Trick has struggled privately for 12 years with the disease and is now coming out.

" I went to the doctor, like, 12 years ago. She took all kinds of tests, because I was trying to get rid of what we call dry skin; she did biopsies and blood tests and swab tests. She told me I have lupus. I am allergic highly to the sun, that’s my worst enemy. It’s like an AK-47 (gun) with a double clip on it,”

The parenthetical (gun) comment was added after by the crack reporting staff at Hip-Hop Crunch. It takes notes like that to help those of us without lupus understand Trick Daddy's world.

The Face of Lupus

Mr. Daddy has not asked for help or donations, he believes in dealing with problems head on. A trait he learned from his mother.

"My mama had 11 children from 10 different men. If she can live with that, I know I can live with this."

Even without monetary giving, support has poured in from Trick's loyal fans.

"You stupid a$$ f!ck boy, wTF is wrong with you? Ain't had a hit for years??????? You must be a dumb ass wanna be rapper!!!! Don't you know nann nigga?? Oh, yeah don't f%ck boy. Ask your self who ta f#ck put Dade County on the map when the north still ruled!!! WTF? Anyway, Live Life Trick Daddy!!!!!!!! OUT "

"damn, these dirty-azz country niggas, Trick probably got herpes and AIDS as well, u know how it goes down in Miami, all those dirty ass cuban hoes who don't wash and probably carrying 25 stds each. Trick Daddy needs to use a condom next time or these things will continue to happen."

A prayer service for the whole Daddy family will be held at the Dade County Church of Christ. Even if you can't make it out, please keep Trick in your thoughts as he deals publicly with his private disease and book deal.

Bill Channels Anton

Wow, I apologize, but I do have a reason I didn't call. Let me start by saying I am not making excuses....but......As I was about to send a text message, cell phone in hand, a pterodactyl swooped down and took my phone right out of my hand. As I stood there dumbfounded trying to grasp what just happened I looked around to see if anyone else saw what happened, I felt a presense behind me...I turned to say "did you freakin see that".









You will never guess who was standing there...It was a sasquatch...yeah old bigfoot himself. It seems that sasquatchi love pterodactyl....eating pterodactyl that is....No other words said, we took chase...I was falling behind so Tiny (he told me all of his friends call him Tiny) anywhoo...Tiny stopped and swept me up and put me on his shoulders (did I mention that sasquatchi are huge..I mean I am not a little guy but this dude was huge. Sooooo, as we lumbered across the terrain, me clinging to Tiny's flowing brownhair, he said watch this. He lept into the air and we were flying, all superman style...Yeah freakin flying....Sasquatchi can FLY. It was beautiful, the wind was flowing through my hair cause I had taken my shirt off (imagine riding on a flying saquatch and not taking your shirt off). We finally spotted the flying lizard and old Tiny turned and took chase. Tiny was nipping at the pterodactyl's heels...he swatted, the pterodactyl looked back and gasped...when he did my cell phone fell out of his mouth and was falling toward a huge lake or a Loch if you may (cause it seems that we had flown all the way over to Scotland)...As I saw my phone floating down toward the cold water...I shouted NOOOOOOO I HAVE TO CALL MY BUDDY HEPHHHHHHHH. I jumped off Tiny and was diving toward the Loch. Tiny saw what happened and said, "that is a true friend to do that for someone's buddy like that, I am gonna catch this bastard and rip him to shreads then come backto get you". I didn't care, I knew what I had to do...as I was swooping toward my phone (kinda like Harry Potter going for that little flying ball in a quiddich match) this huge Dino looking thing came up out of the water and caught me in one of his huge flippers just as I snatched my phone. I said thanks buddy...he said "no problem". He moved over and gently sat me down on the bank. I sat there waiting for Tiny to come back thinking that no one will ever believe this. About that time Tiny showed back up with the pterodactyl's limp dead body in his grasp. I asked him to pose in a picture with me and the Dino looking thingy. He said no problem.

"No problem."

Because we are all so big I couldn't just do the self-pic thing...I looked around for someone to take our picture. Just then a little dude dressed in all green walked up mumbling something about lucky charms. I asked him if he would take our picture with my cell phone...He said cool...I saidcool. Soo we struck a pose and the little bastard took off. He was fast...I mean super fast. My phone was gone for ever. I looked at my watch and told Tiny that I needed to get to work...He said no problem and flew me back. As I was walking up to work this morning (So sad cause I couldn't call my buddy on his birthday) guess what I saw...guess...bet you can't..It was a huge pile of green sasquatch shit. It seems that sasquatch like to eat little dudes dressed in all green also...I stood there staring at the poo and though I heard something....I did...I did...Could it be...it was the General Lee's horn. I reached in and there it was....My phone. I stuck it my pocket and hummed. So like I said I am sorry I was not able to call you on your birthday.

It's Official, The Pope is a Dumbass or Evil or Both

Cor! I Like Tits!

The Pope thinks using condoms makes the AIDS problem worse. He was unavailable for further comment, as he was too fucking busy holding down science and ass raping it with the bad end of a shovel.

"Benedict had never directly addressed condom use. He has said that the Roman Catholic Church is in the forefront of the battle against AIDS. The Vatican encourages sexual abstinence to fight the spread of the disease.
'You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms,' the pope told reporters aboard the Alitalia plane headed to Yaounde, Cameroon, where he will begin a seven-day pilgrimage on the continent. 'On the contrary, it increases the problem.'"

Fuck you sir. Fuck you.

He also did this:

"On the plane, Benedict also dismissed the notion that he was facing increasing opposition and isolation within the church, particularly after an outreach to ultraconservatives that led to his lifting the excommunication of a Holocaust-denying bishop."

The 'Next Blog' Button

Don't use it.

http://qiqingliuyushop.blogspot.com/

This is why. The end.

Tony has nothing on this guy!!

YORKTOWN — A man arrested for allegedly masturbating at his mailbox Tuesday afternoon told police he was showing his neighbors “who was boss,” according to police reports.

Daniel T. Doster Jr., 42, 8501 W. Pleasant Road, faces preliminary charges of vicarious sexual gratification, a class D felony carrying a maximum three-year prison term.
According to witness accounts, Doster’s behavior took place while a 19-month old neighbor boy was playing in his yard with his mother.
Tuesday was Doster's second arrest since Jan. 20 on allegations that he was masturbating by his mailbox. Doter is facing a charge of public indecency in Muncie City Court in connection with the Jan. 20 arrest.
Yorktown officer Mike Daugherty arrested Doster around 4:30 p.m.
“Once I read him his rights, Daniel admitted to me that he was standing at the mailbox masturbating to show his neighbors who was boss,” Daugherty wrote in the probable cause affdavit.

When in the course of human events it becomes so necessary to prove that you are "the the boss" only one course of action can be considered. So I propose this slogan,
No masturbation without representation!

Ruckus "The Grizzler" Grizzlbe (1944-1979, 2008)
R.I.P
Some people really had it comming to them

The World Must Know

click here

Graphic Design Project, Part One

"No adventure left in your party?"

"Make it a Beholder!"

Ale of the Beholder. It'll get you BZZARRRAKKKKKKKKED off your ass.

Stop All the Goddamn Fist Bumping

With Barack Obama banging knuckles with any a-hole, yahoo, bumpkin, world leader, family member or freak that's out there, people have gotten way to in to fist bumping.

"Daddy, there's a negro behind us."

"Fist bump me and say wazzup, they like that."

What's the deal with punching someone in the fist anyway? What's it prove? That you can punch really softly? Is that a skill we need to demonstrate everytime we get the appropriate amount of foam in a latte?

"By the power vested in me, you get to be secretary of ass whuppins."


Maybe everyone hopes they can get awesome shapechanging powers if they find their long lost sibling from whatever the hell planet the wonder twins were from.

"Shape of a T-Rex."
" Form of ... well fuck it, you know what jan? I'm gay, I don't care if it kills Dad. I can't live the lie anymore. I'm GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY."

Speaking of super hero's. Why the fuck is Spiderman fist bumping the president? Doesn't he have whining or crime fighting to do?

"Move along sir, we don't like your kind around here."

Spiderman fist bumps should be much more angry and more like punches and kicks and stuff.

Appropriate use of fist bump

Justin Lawrence Combs was born at least two decades ago, probably more... I'm pretty sure not three. When he was born the doctor said, "Well Mr. Combs, we meet at last... Time to die." This nonsensical comment ended in the unfortunate doctor being disbarred or whatever, which led to his eventual suicide; doctors are lame like that. As a young child, Justin often would play with dolls and stuff. This wasn't because he was gay but rather because all children at that age are stupid and will play with anything *Parent Tip: Yes expectant mothers and some-how-not-expectant-enough-for-their-pregnant-wives-husbands, this means that your precious child is, in a way, retarded. Don't worry too much; they might grow out of it. You can stop being ashamed of them later when they learn that it’s not ok to put knives in their their mouths and get a job. This takes time, be patient. To help speed up the process, I suggest letting them dress themselves, and then laughing at them and take pictures and holding on to them until they are turning twenty-one and bringing the photos out and telling them, "Son, I'm glad you're not retarded any more. Look at all the people laughing at you in this picture. Your mother and I were laughing so hard in this one, I could barely set up the camera” or telling them that that one guy on that TV show they like (Thunder Cats, for instance) is not a brave leader of cat people, but rather a cunningly disguised cartoon that pretends to have real emotions and real bravery . * Anyway... Justin grew up and got a Job. One day he was walking down the corridor at his work spot when his boss approached him. "Justin me lad, care to join your old boss in a drink." To which Justin replied, "Gee golly Mr. Vengeance, I sure do like cool aid! Joining you in a drink would be swell! I got my own with me, see?" "Right-o me boyo," said the boss as he eyed Justin skeptically, "Cool aid... that’s what I be drinking. Here Lad, let me Irish that up for you a bit." Then Justin became a rampant alcoholic. One night he was drunk back in his room/house and thought to himself, "Hmmm... Maybe I can fit this whole pencil in my eye." The doctor said would have to wear an eye patch the rest of his life. When he saw that Justin was sad about this he said, "Sigh...an eye patch... just like a pirate." This made Justin super happy and super-overconfident. The next day when he was at a convention (probably one of those awesome conventions that I'm still super jealous about; I mean, wow... what kind of job sends you to Comicon every year? Lucky jerk) he thought it would be a good idea to get his picture taken. And then he did. At that moment Justin decided to stop being an alcoholic and to instead get a cyborg eye implant. The surgery was a success. He is now living quite comfortably awaiting his next cyborg implant; probably some sort of cyborg chest thingy that makes a cool robot sound and opens up on command and a robot arm extends and combs his beard/goatee, or something suave like that, while a robo-voice hums the tune of "pomp and circumstance". Lucky jerk.

Things I learned in Mexico

1: Do not play punch bug. You`ll be arrested for spousal abuse in like 5 minutes.

2: Mexican marketing works by putting a big ass version of whatever you sell on your front sign. You sell cars, then a car goes there, you sell chairs then you make two of those fuckers at least 15 feet high and then everyone knows you sell chairs. You own a "gentlemen`s" club, you get 20 foot signs with outlines of women on them. Then people know you`re all about gentlemen.

3: "A little hot" means you get an 300 degree fork through your tongue to help cool down how goddamn hot that shit was.

Stuck in the RPG loop. Dealing with people about my wedding.

I'm getting married in the same spot as the reception. I wanted to take my new bride on a quick carriage ride through downtown between the two, to allow everyone time to shuffle over to the reception, take a piss and get a drink. So I called and asked how much it would cost to do so. Then I felt like when you were playing Final Fantasy and you can't figure out where the next bad guy is and you keep asking in town, but all anyone can say is the same thing, so no matter what you try they always say something like "It was terrible, they carried Anna away." and you're all like "Sir, which way did they run, where have these villains vanished to?" and he says "It was terrible, they carried Anna away." "Where sir, Where?!!! For the love of your daughter, just give me a direction. Are you blind sir?! Is that it?" "It was terrible, they carried Anna away." "Well I hope the bitch dies sir."

THE CALL

Ring Ring

Guy - Executive Transportation

Me - Hi, I'm interested in getting the carriage tour of downtown Covington on Friday.

Guy - That tour is 35$ and leaves from 4th street.

Me - OK, great. I was hoping I could get a pick up at 8th street, I know it's 4 blocks out of the way, but I'd be happy to pay extra. You see I'm finally marrying the woman of my dreams that night and I thought a quick romantic carriage ride would be perfect

Guy - Oh, a wedding, then you need our wedding package. It's $600 dollars and you get to pick your own horse.

Me - gaak, ::stunned silence:: No, you see I only need a 15 minute ride. The normal 35$ dollar tour is for a half hour, but I'd be more than willing to pay double to get just the 15 minutes.

Guy - The wedding package is $600 and you get to pick your own horse.

Me - I don't give a damn about the horse, I just want a 15 minute carriage ride. You see I just love her so much and I think she would really like somthing like that.

Guy - The wedding package is $600 and you get to pick your own horse

Me - "Where sir, Where?!!! For the love of your daughter, just give me a direction. Are you blind sir?! Is that it?"

Guy - The wedding package is $600 and you get to pick your own horse

Me - Go fuck yourself

Behold, my cavalcade of nonsense! : A review of the Creation "Museum"

Hello my fellows,
Let me ask you a question? Why not. Here we go. Why did I go to the creation museum? Answer: Because.
Now I know what you are thinking: "Sir, why are you sooo awesome and hansome?" Well I say to you, "No! Not now. I'm talking. If you high-five, do I not give it up? Hell yes! Keep your pants on ladies. Gentlemen, calm down and drink your beers."
...right...so... lets see here. If I were running the creation museum there would be some changes. For starters, all the dinosaurs, save a few noble souls, would be cyborgs. I figure, "If I'm going to be doing nonsense, why not go all the way?" Why not? Good question.
The dinosaur resistance is lead by Captain Winky Raxsor. He a kind dinosaur (He only eats the old and the infirm) who leads through example and has an eye patch that totally makes him look dangerous but he actually is a bit of a crybaby and he whines a lot and smells like pineapples. His second in command is Flip-kick Nelson or Lord Nelson as he calls himself when he is practicing kissing in the mirror when he thinks no one is watching but someone always barges in and he's all like, "Lord Nelson, would you like a kiss? Oh yes Lord Nelson, that would be grand. Mmmm...(kiss)...? Johnson!? What the hell are you doing here? How long have you been standing there? Well, either you leave now or I'll leave, but I'm not taking off this wig."
Flip-kick Nelson is a good fighter and prefers to fight with knives and machetes. He also has this problem where he can't help but to narrate everything he does in battle out loud. This makes fighting difficult sometimes since he often announces what he is about to do before he does it. He is kind of a jerk and hates kittens.
These two intrepid freedom fighters fight against the evil cyborg dinosaur king 'Lord Dino-Tron 2.2' and his evil cyborg dinosaur minions 'The Roudy Bunch'. Their creed is, "Robot bits make everything better. OBEY OR BE...(bzzzzzt)...DESTROYEDED!"(The last part is screamed in a monotone robot voice, kinda like stephen hawking if he were a dinosaur instead of the smartest man alive baby, boo-yes!).
This is the museum that I would create.
I would say, "People, look... This is science: accept it, buy a ticket and enjoy the laser show at the end of the exhibits."
Instead of "The Creation Museum" I would call it, "Dino-Catastrophe Memorial Land"
Then maybe people wouldn't say I'm wasting my time and stuff...hurting my feelings and what-not.