Dear Diary

Dear Diary
Dear diary,
It’s me again. I totally did it. I know you told me not to and all that, but hey, you’re just a stupid book and should mind your own god dammed business (I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel, ass wipe). Well, either way, you were totally right (jerk), I never should have eaten the second ham sandwich.
So there I was, in the lunchroom at work with my lunchbox and thermos (both of which have the Thundercats logo on them. It’s cool; I was totally a fan back in the day (childhood) and have vague memories of the show, kinda, so get off my back). As per usual I had packed two delicious ham sandwiches (one is a back up sandwich, though I never have needed it. I guess it’s more for comfort) and was just finishing off the first one while sipping my juice contently when Jenkins walked by the table and, like the jerk-face that he is, knocked my lunchbox on the floor. RAGE!
I was soo angry that I forgot myself for a moment and shouted, “Sir! You have proven yourself to be a notorious jerk and whatnot. I suggest that we fight with hands and feet or something, I don’t know…whatever.”
As I bent over to retrieve my property, Jenkins sat down at table adjacent to me and pulled out his lunchbox (his lunch box has the transformer’s logo on it which was a stupid show and was obviously a rip off. Jenkins is such a jerk) and out of his lunchbox pulled two ham sandwiches.
“Hey thunder-pussy”, mocked Jenkins as people in the room turned their heads and started kicking over tables, “You as stupid as that super-retarded lion jerk? I bet you think cats are sexy asshole!”
“I find cats handsome and respect their sleek and supple ways jack-off,” I retorted, “Anyway, at least I’m not in love with some robot-pedophile or semi or whatever. I bet your favorite transformer is the one who changes into an upside-down chair which you would then sit on… for sexual pleasure.”
At this point I noticed that the room had cleared of coworkers, we were alone in the room. Jenkins had finished his first sandwich and was playing with the second when he suddenly stood up, placing his hands on the table and leaning forward as he growled through gritted teeth, “Ok… there is only one way to settle this, ass. First person to finish their second sandwich wins. The loser is a total pussy… and has to throw their lunch box away.
“Challenge accepted ass-muncher” I responded in kind jumping up onto the table, sandwich in hand.
We glared at each other, there was a shared intake of breath, and then we started eating. It was awful. Sweat was pouring out of our faces. Eyes bulged. Tongues swelled. He was down to his last bit when he suddenly fell out of his chair and lay still. Curious, I put down my last morsel and walked over to my stricken opponent. His eyes fluttered open and he gasped, “Autobots, move out!” He instantly vomited all over himself and then jumped to his feet producing a .44 magnum from wherever.
“Ha! Ha! Sucker! You fell for the oldest trick ever! Now you will stand by and watch as I finish this challenge. Transformers rule your mom!”
“Oh no you don’t,” I responded awesomely. Thinking quickly, I did the only thing that I could: “Thunder! Thunder! Thunder Cats! Ho!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. Sir jerk-face assmuncher gave me a quizzical look and scratched his head with the heavy revolver.
“Whatev’” he said as he leveled the gun’s barrel at me. “Your damn cats can’t save you now.”
As he put the last bit of sandwich in his mouth he smiled a toothy smile. That’s when it happened. The wall behind him exploded in a flash of explosion power. The force of the blast threw him off balance just enough for him to be hurled across the room into the opposite wall. Recovering quickly, I peered cautiously into the smoke that had once been a wall. Out of the smoke stepped the puma-guy from Thundercats. He strode into the room and pulled out his cat-pawed numchuks.
“So, you the guy who called the Thundercats?” he said, looking at me.
“Hell yes it was me!” I cried in jubilation as my voice raised an octave. “Might I say it is an honor to meet you Mr. Panther-guy Sir. Can I hold your num-chucks? Do you people use a giant litter box or just go out in the woods? Do you find house cats attractive? Where is the pretty cheetah cat-lady? Could you introduce us? She looks like a good kisser on the show. Do you know if she’s a good kisser? I hope she is *Sigh*."
The panther guy just stood there listening. When I had finished he paused for a moment and then started beating me with his clawed num-chucks.
“Stupid *wack*, Lame *wack*, Hu-mon!” he cried,” Never, ever, EVER waste my time like this again *doublehanded-Tha-wack*! You are unworthy *wack* of the Thundercats-lunchbox™! Dammit Tigra, get over here and hold him.”
Out of the smoldering ruin of the wall came the cheetah lady…what’s her name. She leapt nimbly over the broken wall debris and ran over to panther guy.
“No, YOU hold him,” she said. And he did. While he held me from behind, she pummeled me from the front. When she got tired, they switched. This went on for several hours with them switching every several minutes. When they were finished they threw to the ground and the panther guy totally urinated on me. After a good hearty laugh they made out and then left.
I was wounded in both pride and my face (They had concentrated mostly on my face). I crawled over to Jenkins crumpled form and flipped him over onto his back. He was barely conscious, but he managed to say a few things to me.
“You were right. They are totally awesomessss……..*dead*
“I know,” I replied. I then took the magnum and put it in his hand to make it look like suicide. Everyone totally believed me and I was given an honorary position as Vice-Jim (my boss). The power went straight to my head and I was demoted after fifteen minutes. People still flick me off when they see me in the hall.
So that’s it Diary, that’s the story. It was totally awesome and I never should have listened to you. I hope you rot in hell.