What the Fuck Are We Learning from the Learning Channel?

Here's one day's worth of programming from TLC, THE LEARNING GODDAMN CHANNEL.

How much 48 hours and Jon and Kate and little girls in tiara's do we need? Did I miss the police women seminar in fucking college? What the fuck are we learning here?

12:00 am
(60 minutes)
Police Women of Broward County Hell of a Cop TV-14 (DL), CC The four tough-talking Police Women of Broward County battle crime as Andrea tackles a drug dealer twice her size, Ana outsmarts a stripper with some drugs to hide, Julie goes undercover as a prostitute and Shelunda investigates a bloody fight.
1:00 am
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Broken Hearts and Fresh Starts TV-PG Newlyweds, Olivia and Andrew, are moving to New Jersey. Though Andrew is not your traditional handyman, he is excited to tackle the home renovations. Grace, who is still mourning the loss of her husband, attempts to move on with her 17-year old son.
2:00 am
(60 minutes)
Police Women of Broward County Another One Bites the Dust TV-14 (DLV), CC Andrea stops a woman who claims wind blew marijuana into her bra; Ana takes down a drug dealer who's selling dope out of his mom's house; Julie arrests two rape suspects and goes on the hunt for a third; Shelunda pulls over a woman who can't stop crying.
9:00 am
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Red Hot Sass Meets College Class TV-G, CC Excitement, irritation, and exhaustion all mix together in Apex, North Carolina, as three young couples move in to their new homes and adjust to their new lives. Doug Wilson joins these families as they cope with the stress of moving and having babies.
10:00 am
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Color Clash TV-PG, CC Advertising execs Keesha and Yves hate art-loving Ernesto?s brightly colorful bachelor pad, and while they both agree that the pea green and canary yellow walls have to go, there?s a battle of wills over whether to whitewash the house?s history.
11:00 am
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Beige Be Gone TV-G, CC Long-distance and familiar relationships are put into question as three couples move up in New Jersey. Host Doug Wilson coaches them as they struggle to redecorate their new homes without alienating their significant others along the way.
12:00 pm
(60 minutes)
Moving Up Broken Hearts and Fresh Starts TV-PG Newlyweds, Olivia and Andrew, are moving to New Jersey. Though Andrew is not your traditional handyman, he is excited to tackle the home renovations. Grace, who is still mourning the loss of her husband, attempts to move on with her 17-year old son.
1:00 pm
(60 minutes)
Police Women of Broward County Let's Get the Next Customer TV-14 (D), CC Andrea forces a drug dealer to spit out the evidence; Julie brings in a suspected statutory rapist; Ana chases a perp through the night; and Shelunda breaks out her fingerprinting kit to gather evidence after a robbery.
2:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence The Enemy Within TV-PG (V), CC A soldier from the Army's elite 82nd airborne unit was sentenced to life for murdering an African American couple in North Carolina. This was a racially motivated crime that launched the Army's largest investigation into extremism within the ranks.
3:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Right or Wrong? TV-PG (V), CC Susan Wright, a stay-at-home mother from Houston, Texas stabbed her husband, Jeff, 193 times. She claimed she was a victim of domestic abuse and Jeff attacked her, yet she took five days to report the crime, and she'd buried Jeff's body in the backyard.
4:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Killer Next Door, The TV-PG (V), CC Donald Miller, criminal justice major in college, was sentenced to 30 to 50 years for rape and attempted murder, but was suspected in the unsolved murders of four other local young women. Miller agreed to work with police to recover his memories.
5:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Terror at the Morgue TV-PG (V), CC Doctor O.C. Smith, a Memphis, Tennessee medical examiner was apparently attacked on June 1, 2002, as he was leaving work. He was found wrapped head-to-toe in barbed wire with a bomb strapped to his neck.
6:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Secrets from the Grave TV-PG (V), CC Bill was involved in an ugly custody dispute with his ex-wife, Cassandra, over their child. About two years after the divorce, Bill survived an ambush attack by Cassandra's brother and her new husband and almost died in a suspicious on-the-job accident.
7:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Puppet Master TV-14 (V), CC A report on the marriage of Heather and Ron Samuels, who, even after divorcing, were involved in a bitter custody battle.
8:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Abducted TV-14 (V), CC Focuses on the accounts of two abductions that sparked a worldwide search
9:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Addicted to Love TV-14 (V), CC When police arrived at the Franklin, Tennessee apartment of Lesa Buchanan on the Fourth of July weekend in 2005, they were surprised by what they found in her home: a cache of prescription drugs and sex toys
10:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Boston Strangler TV-14 (V), CC "The Boston Strangler" - a report on a new investigation of a 1964 murder case, evaluating new evidence that suggests that Albert DeSalvo, thought to be the Boston Strangler, may not have been the infamous killer.
11:00 pm
(60 minutes)
48 Hours: Hard Evidence Abducted TV-14 (V), CC

Do you know how I know George Lucas is gay?

Police were called to Mountain View Drive early Friday to investigate reports of intoxicated men urinating on cars.
While officers were en route, the men allegedly got undressed.
Witnesses said one was completely naked, one wasn’t wearing any pants and they couldn’t see the third man because the other two were on top of him, they said. The witnesses said they heard somebody yell “return of the Jedi” while the three were naked and entwined.
When officers arrived, they found three men — a 59-year-old and two 23-year-olds — on a porch. All appeared to be drunk. They were surrounded by empty alcohol bottles, according to the police report. All denied they had been involved in the incident.
“We’ve got our clothes on, must not have been us,” one said.
Witnesses identified the three as the men who had been causing the disturbance.
A report was forwarded to the prosecutor to review charges of lewd conduct.

Yeah, you knew this was coming...

Recently, our friend Justin has lost a dear part of himself. His beard, that steady companion of his, was taken from us all in a tragic ninja ambush attack. I think. Point is, it's not there anymore.

"Face lonely..."

But have no fear, thanks to the power of Photoshop, we can project what Justin's future beards may or may defiantly not look like...

First, we have "The Patch." Basically, Justin just grows a single patch of hair on his neck. The advantages of "The Patch" is that Justin would be scary as all hell. I mean, no one would want to mess with a guy with a random patch of hair growing off the side of his neck. The disadvantage is that Justin is trying to find a job, so "The Patch" may not be the best choice...

"Why yes, I have my Masters in Communication, and DON'T LOOK AT IT. YOU'LL MAKE IT ANGRY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS CAPABLE OF!!!!! Yes, Undergrad from EKU."

Next up is "The Gay Hitler." I don't think anything else needs to be said about this one.

"Seig heil sailor..."

And then we have "The Canadian," used to sport a more rugged look. This is a great beard for people who like to drink beer and/or have an Adamantium skeleton.

"Sup, bub?"

And lastly, we have "The American." Perfect if Justin plans on going to NASCAR rallies or town hall protests.

"My beard ain't want none of your gov'ment run health care!"

Mickey to lead X-Men, Cripples not allowed in Disney movies

Well folks, its over. Iron man will no longer be the lovable, belligerant drunk we all know and love (or emulate if you're Fatbeard). Wolverine and the Punisher will finally "put it in the happy box". Cyclops...well he'll stay the same but Mary Jane watson will never wear daisy dukes again and the Black Cat is gonna have to cover up. Its finally happened, two superpowers from our childhood Disney and Marvel fought it out, and Marvel lost.

In an attempt to boost sales amonst young boys, Disney bought Marvel, and with it the rights to all Marvel characters. Does this mean Wolverine, with his desire for socially awkward redheads will finally bang Ariel? Will we finally get a lesbian scene between Storm and Jasmine? Doubtful, but I bet every one of you though about it for a second when I mentioned it (its ok, its hot).

See folks, the problem is Marvel was one side of a young boy's (or 28ish man living alone or with other guys) desires. Superpowers, a carefree life and hot women perpetually in skimpy clothes and cheesecake poses. Disney was the childhood innocence the young boy (or said men) have as well. They're two completely different beasts, and when one encroaches on the other, someone is gonna lose.

Its a sad day for drunken rich playboys in powersuits, telepathic cripples, and superhuman clones everywhere. The booze is history, the tits will shrink, the clothes will grow and the sex drive of young boys (and gamers) will be perminantly weaked.

Oh well, there's always DC (Powergirl....mmmmm).