Nature's Awesome

Dear fellow Hung Bardians,

Allow me to introduce you to one of nature’s most awesomest creatures ever! Are you ready? I doubt it. Allow me to introduce you to… the Sugar Glider!

This guy is Australian-wacky-animal at its best (and they’re totally not poisonous, which is weird for Australia…I wonder…

Poison Fairy: “G’day, mates! Crikey, which one ‘ol you little buggers wants some poisonous critters?”

North America: “I do!”

Africa: “I do!”

South America: “Uhm… ok, I guess I’ll take some but just a few please. I already have all kinds of dangerous/weird animals that I picked up from that last stupid fairy (I noticed that the rest of you guys didn’t stop me, even though you knew I was stupid drunk. Thanks jerks!)

Poison Fairy: “Too bad.” [Gives big, heaping hand full to South America.]

South America: “Thanks Asshole! Now nobody is going to want to live here!”

Poison Fairy: “ ‘K mates, I still have most of what I brought with me left. Anyone else? I’ll toss in a boomerang for free.”

Australia: “Sold! Crikey that’s a lot! Let’s put a shrimp on the barby!”

Poison Fairy: “Brilliant! Well, I’m off lads! Best of Luck.”

Sugar Glider Fairy: “Here you go buddy.”

Australia: “Wait, what?”

Sugar Glider Fairy: “Too late sucker! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” [Flies away only to be caught by the Criminal Fairy, also heading over to Australia, and is brutally raped and murdered] ).

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So… Sugar Gliders…
As shown in the picture above, these guys are cute and cuddly. They can also fly. I, personally, think this only enhances the cuddle factor and also makes them fun for parties:

Dude: “Hey Other Guy, pass the Sugar Glider!”

Other Guy: “Here you go Dude! [Throws Sugar Glider like a fricking baseball]

Sugar Glider: [SPLAT!]

Other Guy: “What the hell! I thought these little guys could fly!?”

Dude: “Nope. They glide.”

Other Guy: “Oh.”

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Okay, so Sugar Gliders are from Australia and can fly. They are also marsupials (That’s Australian for, ‘weird as shit) Also, they are the MOST AWESOME ANIMALS EVER. I cannot thing of a single animal that even comes close (Screw you cats! In your face Hamsters!)
Now you may ask, “Sir, Why are you so exuberant about these funny little creatures? [Twirls Mustache]
Well, Shut-up! I’m going to have to break my answer down into two parts now Mr. Jerk! Where did you by your stupid? From the stupid store?!

1. Sugar Gliders are pets.
2. Sugar Gliders evolved.

The Awesome Factor inherent to Sugar Gliders is derived from the idea of keeping these guys as pets. Let me explain.

As mentioned before, these little monsters can fly, glide, whatever. They also tend to shit and piss while they fly. Let’s put it like this, they need large cages (about 66” by 28”) so they can fly around. You also need to move everything away from the cage, about 4 feet away, to keep your stuff from being covered in crap (Which is very acrid and smells horrible). Also, they’re nocturnal. Yep, that’s right; they fly around their cages at night crapping all over the place. Oh, I almost forgot, they also scream loudly and bark like a dog (seriously, they sound just like a dog and their scream is really, really weird) all the time. So let’s review: they fly and crap everywhere, in the middle of the night, while screaming and barking like a dog. Wow, that sounds like an awesome animal, right!? But wait, there’s one more thing which, in my haughty opinion, is what propels these little guys right to the top of the awesome chain…
(WARNING: Awesome is an immutable force of nature a universal law. However, different people have different ideas of what awesome is. How is that possible? It’s a mystery, that’s how jerks! Some scientists think that alcohol was involved. They’re probably right.)

What makes these little bastards so awesome is that on top of their other awesome habits/quirks (poop), they also get super depressed super fast and kill themselves if you don’t pay attention to them. Yup, that’s right; the little guys KILL THEMSELVES if they don’t get enough attention. That’s why responsible Sugar Glider owners have to carry their pet with them EVERYWHERE, or get someone to babysit them while they are out of the house. Neat!
To sum it up: Sugar Gliders fly around in their cage, in the middle of the night, crapping and pissing all over the place, screaming/barking like a dog (really guys, its kinda unsettling) and if you don’t sit around and pay attention to them, they kill themselves. Here is an illustration of how I imagine this to work.

Wow. I mean, really…wow. God bless you nature. Speaking of nature, how the hell did these things evolve to be sooo insecure? They’re like natures young Japanese male. I bet it was something like this:

Primordial Sugar Glider: “I’m sad [hangs self with tiny noose]

Nature: “Good Job!”

[Sugar Gliders Evolve to sinister phase-two...]

Nature: “Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
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So that’s about it for Sugar Gliders, Nature’s Awesome. Oh, and one last thing; all the Sugar Gliders websites that I looked at (1-2) all pretty much said, “Hey! Don’t get these guys as pets!”

Gothos in the wild

So wait....you've seen a live Gothopotomus? Sure I've seen photos and the occasional corpse of one when they wash up on shore, but never a LIVE one. Tell me, what are they like? Do they reek of cheap incense and shame? Is it true they respond amicably to shouting "Heeeyyyy Fat Girl! You Ticklish?" while holding out the latest Anne Rice novel? Is it true when you pet them they make the sound of a purring walrus? So many questions....

Vampire stuff reply

Dear Sir Onion Knyght (sp?),

I’m afraid you have your facts out of sorts. It is not just the “Gothopotamus” that has found interest in these books, but indeed the mainstay of the teenage girl population. In my vast experience of Manuscript Dispersal and Retrieval at the local Text Repository, I have found that these books are read by three separate groups: teenage girls, sad 20-30year old women and all the upstanding girls I know who would punch me in the face if they saw that I had this second group and didn’t put them in a separate group from that group.
In my experience, the book is so widespread that it actually traverses the normal “Gothopotamus” barrier and has affected normal people as well (and maybe Brian? It sounds like something he’d read so he could have talking points for when he meets random girls. Brian, if you are reading this don’t go, “Ah-Ha!”, and run down to the library. I’m not putting that on hold for you.)
The majority of the “Gothopotami” that I see at work actually look down on the Twilight series, “Meeeh, this vampire romance is for stupid pretty girls, not super awesome girls (and, ugh, boys) like me! I have discerning tastes! Anne Rice and Trent Reznor and black rainbows and whatnot!” (Nothing against Trent or Anne, It’s just that I assume that I appreciate his music and her writing (go Jesus!) on a much deeper level than they do.)
In conclusion, I submit that perhaps ugly people read twilight, but this Vampire Conspiracy is much larger than just a culling of the heard. It is an assault on our Vampire Social Consciousness, an attempt to alter how we view these blood sucking assholes in society. To put it simply, it’s as if your younger sister were allowed to play G.I Joe with you but she was calling the shots (More tea Mr. Joe? Oooh and how is Mrs. Joe doing today? Is she over her touch of the vapors? That’s good to hear. Oh, hello Cobra Commander! Did you bring the crumpets? ANTON, STOP MAKING THEM FIGHT! IT’S TEA TIME! THAT’S WHY THEY’RE WEARING DRESSES! )



P.S: YES SIR! COLONEL, SIR!

P.P.S: Justin, thank you for being a big enough man to apologize I know they appreciate it.

An open apology

Dear Beer Companies,

I am sorry. You see I got married and moved in with my new wife. I know this seems radical given my history with you guys but it happened. I have no excuses for my actions. Please, please, please do not punish other beer drinkers for my infidelity. I know the incredible verve with which I imbibed was a cornerstone of your economic plan. I also understand that my lack of excessive drinking during the week on work nights has hurt you, but this?

"The looming price hike comes as sales volumes in the brewing industry have declined. Anheuser-Busch InBev said earlier this month that total beer volumes were down 1.5% in the second quarter versus the same period last year."

Surely there is another way. Maybe we can work out a schedule of visitation for weekends and every other Thursday and you can have me on Thanksgiving, Halloween, the 4th of July, Labor day, Memorial Day, and Arbor Day. I'm begging for you to forgive me and to no longer punish my friends and colleagues who still love you.

Love in Christ,

Justin


Time Line:

2/6/09 Justin Gets Married
4/1/09 Beer companies enter a slump and begin raising prices

this is not a coincidence

The Battle is Joined...

"ON YOUR FEET, SCUMBAGS!"

"That's right. It's me. Colonel Motherfuckin' Sanders. Agent of KFC. And I am sick of this sparkly vampire bullshit. So guess what? The Colonel is going to get motherfuckin' medieval on some motherfuckin' vampires. But how are you going to do that Colonel? Motherfucker, don't you know who I am? Let me comb my beard while you gaze upon the death of sparkly vampire bullshit."

"That's right, motherfuckers. The KF'nC Double Down. Two strips of bacon, two types of cheeses, and the Colonel's special sauce. In between two pieces of boneless fried chicken. That's right motherfucker! Get that bread shit away from the Colonel. I'm using fried chicken for the goddamn bun. You see, sparkly vampires need blood to live right? Due to KFC's off the fuckin' hook testing (which you bitches aren't classified to know) sparkly vampires can't feed on human blood if that blood has a high level of near death fat content. So all you need to do is eat... it all starts with the Double Down. Next is the Triple Down. After that, its the Colonel Adds a Fourth Piece of Motherfuckin' Fried Chicken Down. Because that's who I am. It's what I do. You can thank me later."

"DISMISSED!"

Problems with vampires (and the beasts that love them)

Stumpy stumpy stumpy....I see they've been brainwashing you in your sleep again. While vampires are indeed notorious jerks (buncha freakin jerks), the 14-16 year old girls who love them do not grow up into babes. Its true, I'm sorry, but that is yet more of the vampire/communist propaganda. See it is a little documented but well know fact that the only chicks of legal age who have a thing for vampires weigh over 250 pounds. Its another part of the vampire curse, like burning in daylight or strange fears of religious icons. Its the lesser documented "Curse of the Fatty" It reads something like this.

"He who doth give his soul to darkness and feast upon the blood of the living, shall know only the loving touch of the gothapotomus. "

Of course the original is in Latin and there are no english equivalent for most of the words, but I have it on good authority that the translation is 110% accurate.

Speaking of, an image of a gothapotomus can be seen here:

















This of course is the lesser seen MALE gothapotomus, but at that size and with that many folds to work in, gender is pretty much optional.

Either way, 4 minutes at GenCon after sunset will show the truth in all their lies. Its sad, but hey, that's what they get for being notorious jerks.

Vampire Debate

I'm sure that given immortality and powers and stuff I would really just spend most of my time banging hot chicks. But let's settle this officially via the hungbard's first official poll. See to the right here.

A response to Onion Knight...

Dear Onion Knight,

Why? Why do you hate what you obviously don’t understand (14-16 year old girls). Yes, Vampires are soulless undead husks that plague humanity; Yes, Vampires have black hearts that feel no remorse but rather delight in the pain and suffering of others; Yes, Vampires are a filthy scourge that must be eradicated, lest they spread their unholy curse across the land... But, Can’t they sometimes sparkle in the sun and make out with children (comparatively speaking) while flying on magical unicorns?
You see, what you fail to realize is that 14-16 year old girls are really quite stupid with little, to no, survival instinct. (Why do you think they are getting pregnant ALL THE TIME?) Between ponies and rainbows and sparkles, it’s a miracle that they don’t swallow their own tongues. (Not that I have anything against rainbows and sparkles and ponies etc.; it’s just that I appreciate them on a much deeper level)
Now, while it’s ok to think of 14-16 year old girls as being ridiculous, it’s also important to remember that one day they will grow-up to be hot, legal, babes (woot!). For this reason, along with a few others I can’t be bothered to think of, we should do our best to keep them safe from vampires. That is where my opposition to these “Vampire Romance” books comes in. Who do you think help write these books?

Vampire 1: “Uhm… OK Stephanie, here’s what we do.

Stephanie Meyer: “Giggle!”

Vampire 1: “Right… ok now, focus. In this book Vampires are sexy and, Uhh, we sparkle in the sunlight, that’s why we only come out at night.

Stephanie Meyer: “Giggle, giggle! Sigh…”

Vampire 2: “And we’re super moody, but we can be fixed if we find the right girl…

Vampire 1: “Ha! Teenage girls are so stupid enough that they will totally fall for this shit! It’s a miracle they don’t choke on their own tongues. Score one for the Vampires!”

Vampire2: “I like eating babies and I’m never gonna stop!”

Vampire1: “High-five Bro!

Vampire2: “Heck yeah! Let’s have a blood orgy!”

Stephanie Meyer (To herself): “I can change them…”

[Sounds of vampires eating babies]

*Fade to black…*

So this “Vampire Romance” nonsense sounds like another one of their hair-brained vampire-schemes; like that one time when Vampires kept moving my glasses from my bedside table to the floor while I was asleep (Jerks).
I guess what we can agree on one thing Onion Knight, Vampires are notorious jerks. Also, teenage girls are obnoxious. Also… Vampires should carry nunchucks if they want to be taken seriously. Yeah.

Paranormal Romance and other foolish shit

God I HATE paranormal romance. The only thing worse than a goddamn cheesy-ass crotch-rubber is a goddamn cheesy-ass crotch-rubber where the main character is a bastardized monster. That goes for Twilight too. Damn kiddie authors taking perfectly good monsters and making them "less evil" and more "mysterious". "Lets make them sparkle in the daylight as opposed to burst into flames. They can eat animals instead of people too, oh and he's not undead so its not necrophilia. Now theres no drawback, he's just uber sexy and you can desire him without it being weird, and this dark mysterious stranger can love you back." FUCK...THAT....NOISE. Thanks to this shit we got kids dressin up in fake fangs, callin themselves "Baron von Vampyr" and drinkin Clamato Juice so they can feel "special" and "sexy" and something more than a shitty ass teenager who can't get a goddamn date . Vampires are soul-less walking corpses that feed off of humans like cattle. Thats right Vamp kiddes, your not a romatic love interest you're a goddamn cheesburger on two legs. Vampires don't want to love you, they don't think you're the love they have longed for since the dawn of time and they sure as hell aren't gonna sleep with you. He's gonna be all sexy and when your stupid ass falls for all his crap he's gonna rip your damn throat out and laugh and your stupid ass for thinking you could be a vampire. You know what happens to vampires? They get staked in the chest with an ash stake while they sleep, then their mouth get stuffed with garlic and their head gets lobbed off and the villagers throw you a goddamn party for sending that infernal soul-less monstrosity back to hell. If your a vampire you should be decimating small villages by using the pesants as a damn martini shaker and I should be able to cook hamburgers off yer ass if you're out in the daylight. God I hate paranormal romance.

Behold! Another Bizzaro Anton! This one is, I think, is a time traveler. He seems to have gotten his time machiney thing stuck in a giant puddle. Future me is soo rad. I hope he remembers what he's doing.