Dear Onion Knight,
Why? Why do you hate what you obviously don’t understand (14-16 year old girls). Yes, Vampires are soulless undead husks that plague humanity; Yes, Vampires have black hearts that feel no remorse but rather delight in the pain and suffering of others; Yes, Vampires are a filthy scourge that must be eradicated, lest they spread their unholy curse across the land... But, Can’t they sometimes sparkle in the sun and make out with children (comparatively speaking) while flying on magical unicorns?
You see, what you fail to realize is that 14-16 year old girls are really quite stupid with little, to no, survival instinct. (Why do you think they are getting pregnant ALL THE TIME?) Between ponies and rainbows and sparkles, it’s a miracle that they don’t swallow their own tongues. (Not that I have anything against rainbows and sparkles and ponies etc.; it’s just that I appreciate them on a much deeper level)
Now, while it’s ok to think of 14-16 year old girls as being ridiculous, it’s also important to remember that one day they will grow-up to be hot, legal, babes (woot!). For this reason, along with a few others I can’t be bothered to think of, we should do our best to keep them safe from vampires. That is where my opposition to these “Vampire Romance” books comes in. Who do you think help write these books?
Vampire 1: “Uhm… OK Stephanie, here’s what we do.
Stephanie Meyer: “Giggle!”
Vampire 1: “Right… ok now, focus. In this book Vampires are sexy and, Uhh, we sparkle in the sunlight, that’s why we only come out at night.
Stephanie Meyer: “Giggle, giggle! Sigh…”
Vampire 2: “And we’re super moody, but we can be fixed if we find the right girl…
Vampire 1: “Ha! Teenage girls are so stupid enough that they will totally fall for this shit! It’s a miracle they don’t choke on their own tongues. Score one for the Vampires!”
Vampire2: “I like eating babies and I’m never gonna stop!”
Vampire1: “High-five Bro!
Vampire2: “Heck yeah! Let’s have a blood orgy!”
Stephanie Meyer (To herself): “I can change them…”
[Sounds of vampires eating babies]
*Fade to black…*
So this “Vampire Romance” nonsense sounds like another one of their hair-brained vampire-schemes; like that one time when Vampires kept moving my glasses from my bedside table to the floor while I was asleep (Jerks).
I guess what we can agree on one thing Onion Knight, Vampires are notorious jerks. Also, teenage girls are obnoxious. Also… Vampires should carry nunchucks if they want to be taken seriously. Yeah.
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