I'm getting married in the same spot as the reception. I wanted to take my new bride on a quick carriage ride through downtown between the two, to allow everyone time to shuffle over to the reception, take a piss and get a drink. So I called and asked how much it would cost to do so. Then I felt like when you were playing Final Fantasy and you can't figure out where the next bad guy is and you keep asking in town, but all anyone can say is the same thing, so no matter what you try they always say something like "It was terrible, they carried Anna away." and you're all like "Sir, which way did they run, where have these villains vanished to?" and he says "It was terrible, they carried Anna away." "Where sir, Where?!!! For the love of your daughter, just give me a direction. Are you blind sir?! Is that it?" "It was terrible, they carried Anna away." "Well I hope the bitch dies sir."
THE CALL
Ring Ring
Guy - Executive Transportation
Me - Hi, I'm interested in getting the carriage tour of downtown Covington on Friday.
Guy - That tour is 35$ and leaves from 4th street.
Me - OK, great. I was hoping I could get a pick up at 8th street, I know it's 4 blocks out of the way, but I'd be happy to pay extra. You see I'm finally marrying the woman of my dreams that night and I thought a quick romantic carriage ride would be perfect
Guy - Oh, a wedding, then you need our wedding package. It's $600 dollars and you get to pick your own horse.
Me - gaak, ::stunned silence:: No, you see I only need a 15 minute ride. The normal 35$ dollar tour is for a half hour, but I'd be more than willing to pay double to get just the 15 minutes.
Guy - The wedding package is $600 and you get to pick your own horse.
Me - I don't give a damn about the horse, I just want a 15 minute carriage ride. You see I just love her so much and I think she would really like somthing like that.
Guy - The wedding package is $600 and you get to pick your own horse
Me - "Where sir, Where?!!! For the love of your daughter, just give me a direction. Are you blind sir?! Is that it?"
Guy - The wedding package is $600 and you get to pick your own horse
Me - Go fuck yourself
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Behold, my cavalcade of nonsense! :
A review of the Creation "Museum"
Hello my fellows,
Let me ask you a question? Why not. Here we go. Why did I go to the creation museum? Answer: Because.
Now I know what you are thinking: "Sir, why are you sooo awesome and hansome?" Well I say to you, "No! Not now. I'm talking. If you high-five, do I not give it up? Hell yes! Keep your pants on ladies. Gentlemen, calm down and drink your beers."
...right...so... lets see here. If I were running the creation museum there would be some changes. For starters, all the dinosaurs, save a few noble souls, would be cyborgs. I figure, "If I'm going to be doing nonsense, why not go all the way?" Why not? Good question.
The dinosaur resistance is lead by Captain Winky Raxsor. He a kind dinosaur (He only eats the old and the infirm) who leads through example and has an eye patch that totally makes him look dangerous but he actually is a bit of a crybaby and he whines a lot and smells like pineapples. His second in command is Flip-kick Nelson or Lord Nelson as he calls himself when he is practicing kissing in the mirror when he thinks no one is watching but someone always barges in and he's all like, "Lord Nelson, would you like a kiss? Oh yes Lord Nelson, that would be grand. Mmmm...(kiss)...? Johnson!? What the hell are you doing here? How long have you been standing there? Well, either you leave now or I'll leave, but I'm not taking off this wig."
Flip-kick Nelson is a good fighter and prefers to fight with knives and machetes. He also has this problem where he can't help but to narrate everything he does in battle out loud. This makes fighting difficult sometimes since he often announces what he is about to do before he does it. He is kind of a jerk and hates kittens.
These two intrepid freedom fighters fight against the evil cyborg dinosaur king 'Lord Dino-Tron 2.2' and his evil cyborg dinosaur minions 'The Roudy Bunch'. Their creed is, "Robot bits make everything better. OBEY OR BE...(bzzzzzt)...DESTROYEDED!"(The last part is screamed in a monotone robot voice, kinda like stephen hawking if he were a dinosaur instead of the smartest man alive baby, boo-yes!).
This is the museum that I would create.
I would say, "People, look... This is science: accept it, buy a ticket and enjoy the laser show at the end of the exhibits."
Instead of "The Creation Museum" I would call it, "Dino-Catastrophe Memorial Land"
Then maybe people wouldn't say I'm wasting my time and stuff...hurting my feelings and what-not.
Let me ask you a question? Why not. Here we go. Why did I go to the creation museum? Answer: Because.
Now I know what you are thinking: "Sir, why are you sooo awesome and hansome?" Well I say to you, "No! Not now. I'm talking. If you high-five, do I not give it up? Hell yes! Keep your pants on ladies. Gentlemen, calm down and drink your beers."
...right...so... lets see here. If I were running the creation museum there would be some changes. For starters, all the dinosaurs, save a few noble souls, would be cyborgs. I figure, "If I'm going to be doing nonsense, why not go all the way?" Why not? Good question.
The dinosaur resistance is lead by Captain Winky Raxsor. He a kind dinosaur (He only eats the old and the infirm) who leads through example and has an eye patch that totally makes him look dangerous but he actually is a bit of a crybaby and he whines a lot and smells like pineapples. His second in command is Flip-kick Nelson or Lord Nelson as he calls himself when he is practicing kissing in the mirror when he thinks no one is watching but someone always barges in and he's all like, "Lord Nelson, would you like a kiss? Oh yes Lord Nelson, that would be grand. Mmmm...(kiss)..
Flip-kick Nelson is a good fighter and prefers to fight with knives and machetes. He also has this problem where he can't help but to narrate everything he does in battle out loud. This makes fighting difficult sometimes since he often announces what he is about to do before he does it. He is kind of a jerk and hates kittens.
These two intrepid freedom fighters fight against the evil cyborg dinosaur king 'Lord Dino-Tron 2.2' and his evil cyborg dinosaur minions 'The Roudy Bunch'. Their creed is, "Robot bits make everything better. OBEY OR BE...(bzzzzzt)
This is the museum that I would create.
I would say, "People, look... This is science: accept it, buy a ticket and enjoy the laser show at the end of the exhibits."
Instead of "The Creation Museum" I would call it, "Dino-Catastrophe Memorial Land"
Then maybe people wouldn't say I'm wasting my time and stuff...hurting my feelings and what-not.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Piss on the Election. Battlestar rocks your mom's face off
On time it rocked so hard it blew my face out of my asshole.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I love the Internet
I was browsing around looking for pictures of awesomeness and came upon this beauty. As for the next image I would like to thank... the Japanese... I think? Also, check out this Mega Man preview someone made:
http://ningin.com/mediastream/item:show/2008/11/21/megaman-movie-official-trailer/
Best Comic of 2008 is not this
Causes Cancer in PuppiesEveryone in the whole damn world has been calling "All-Star Superman" the best comic of 2008. They all must be barely functional retards. Seriously this book isn't any good. Stop it. Also, how the hell can it be the best of '08 when it started in '05. Three years to get out 12 mediocre issues? Anyone and I mean any god damn writer right down to Tom fucking Veitch, worst comic writer ever, can take Superman and tell whatever the hell story they want, completley ignoring anything that's ever been done ever. It's like Smallville told in bright fucking pastel colors.
Plus Grant Morrison looks like a John Waters' version of Lex Luthor, with his freaking ladyboy reverse combover.
Source of the ill-fated jism Kryptonite Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Anton Email #3 (Sat 12/15/07 6:33 PM)
Matt Said:
You try to yell with all your strength as you are carried out of the bar. It only manages to escape your lips in a whisper. Your kidnappers take you through the dark, silent street to a group of horses hidden in the alley behind the bar. They tie your legs together and toss you on the back of a horse and the saddlebags dig into your stomach uncomfortably.
They talk amongst themselves for a moment, talking about the good work they did. Then they're off, with you in tow. Within minutes you are on the main drag of the city heading towards the center of Central City. Instead of taking you to the guard station, they seems to be taking you down one of the side streets. For a second you're a bit disoriented but then realize where they're taking you; Eriador's brigade.
(more to come, you can reply if you want though I'm not sure what you can do at the moment hah)
Anton Said:
There's one thing he can do.
Jonathan Rivers cries/whimpers/sobs.
As he cries, he also makes up a song to cheer himself up.
It goes something like this:
Jonathan Rivers!
Jonathan Rivers!
He's the man!
The man with a plan!
He's gonna save the day!
So wipe all those tears away!
Jonathan Rivers!
Jonathan Rivers!
He's Magic
and its tragic
that he feels so weak
this horse really reeks
(Lute Solo)
Long Live...Jonathan...
Rivers!
You try to yell with all your strength as you are carried out of the bar. It only manages to escape your lips in a whisper. Your kidnappers take you through the dark, silent street to a group of horses hidden in the alley behind the bar. They tie your legs together and toss you on the back of a horse and the saddlebags dig into your stomach uncomfortably.
They talk amongst themselves for a moment, talking about the good work they did. Then they're off, with you in tow. Within minutes you are on the main drag of the city heading towards the center of Central City. Instead of taking you to the guard station, they seems to be taking you down one of the side streets. For a second you're a bit disoriented but then realize where they're taking you; Eriador's brigade.
(more to come, you can reply if you want though I'm not sure what you can do at the moment hah)
Anton Said:
There's one thing he can do.
Jonathan Rivers cries/whimpers/sobs.
As he cries, he also makes up a song to cheer himself up.
It goes something like this:
Jonathan Rivers!
Jonathan Rivers!
He's the man!
The man with a plan!
He's gonna save the day!
So wipe all those tears away!
Jonathan Rivers!
Jonathan Rivers!
He's Magic
and its tragic
that he feels so weak
this horse really reeks
(Lute Solo)
Long Live...Jonathan...
Rivers!
Anton Email #2 (Sun 7/15/07 2:22 AM)
The character I hate the most would have to be the Mandarin from Captain America and The Avengers the arcade game. I mean, holy crap is he hard core! The difference between the arcade and the genesis version is that the arcade game wants your quarters. When the Mandarin show up to fight, he still flashes onto the screen in the most assy, arcade-rendered way possible screaming, "SEE MY POWER!" in a crazed computer voice. So I'm all like, "Don't worry guys I got this one; I've kicked his ass in the past so hopefully I don't embarrass him too much this time. Ladies, you might want to avert your eyes."
I CAN'T MOVE!
"What. The. Fuck."
I CAN'T MOVE!
"You son of a bitch."
I CAN'T MOVE!
"Die, die die!
I CAN'T MOVE!
"Finally! Jesus Christ!"
At this point my friend from work chimes in, beer in hand, "Don't get cocky kid."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHERE'S THE LASER!
ASK THE POLICE.
I CAN'T MOVE!
"What. The. Fuck."
I CAN'T MOVE!
"You son of a bitch."
I CAN'T MOVE!
"Die, die die!
I CAN'T MOVE!
"Finally! Jesus Christ!"
At this point my friend from work chimes in, beer in hand, "Don't get cocky kid."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHERE'S THE LASER!
ASK THE POLICE.
Anton E-Mail #1
Jesus award, eh? Well, that's kinda interesting considering the other party I went to.
So there I was, standing in the corner of the living room with my back to the rest of the the party. I had just been staring at my feet, and was getting ready to switch things up and stare at the wall when Jesus showed up at the party.
He was all like, "Heya Clark, I'm just here to say good luck to you in Germany. JESUS, SHA-POW!!"
He dropped to one knee, lowered his head and stretched his arms out like an airplane. Suddenly the room erupted in sparkles and pyrotechnics and a booming voice declared, "JESU-WHAA?!?!!!! JESU-WHOO?!!?!?."
Everyone applauded at this entrance, but I wasn't impressed.
"Hey you! Yeah, you! What the hell is your problem!? No one thinks you're cool. No one thinks you are better than me. Why don't you just get the hell out of my way!"
This surprised everyone since, apparently, no one knew I was even at the party.
Clark was all like, "Anton? What the hell!?! You weren't invited to this party. I've only met you, like... once. How did you find out about this party"
And I was all like, " I used the Internet, but there is no time for that now Clark, I gotta set this guy straight."
Jesus was all like, " Don't worry, I can handle this."
And I was all like, " Oh yeah? Can you handle this...?" and with that I started dancing.
It was magnificent; everyone fell silent. They stood there slack-jawed, in awe of my skill and grace. There was no music playing, but my movements mirrored the music that was in everyone thoughts and hearts. As I finished the number with jazz hands, every one blinked tears away and one of the girls sobbed in her boyfriends arms.
"That...that was beautiful. Such grace, such strength... and jazz hands. Anton, I'm sorry i didn't invite you to my part", sobbed Clark as he leaned against my back.
"That's O.K. Clark, I forgive you."
"Well...I...Uhh...that is...lets see you do this", spluttered Jesus as he tried recovered his composure. He waved his hands in the air and suddenly there were cute little rabbits everywhere with flowers sticking out of their backs. They hopped up to girls at the party and offered their flowers. When the girls took the flowers, the rabbits combined into one big puff of smoke that smelled a bit like like perfume and rainbows.
There was silence.
"Sorry Jesus, not good enough", I declared as everybody erupted into cheering and applause and rushed to pick me up and carry me to the couch. Once on the couch, I was brought a crown and a scepter and declared emperor of the party. As every one began to get back to the party, I noticed Jesus sitting by himself in the corner.
I walked up tho him and sat down.
"I'm sorry... I think I got something in... my eye" said Jesus as he turned away from me to hide his tears.
I was all like, "Hey buddy, don't cry. Sometimes, life doesn't play by the rules. Come over here and drink with me."
Jesus wiped his eyes, turned to me and said, " You are as wise as you are an awesome dancer."
We went back over to the couch and sat down.
About 15 minutes/6 drinks later we were laughing and giving each other high-fives.
"O.K. Jesus, here's what we're going to do, you and I. We are going to fight crime together. You can be Lord Jesus of the Anton brigade. I'll be Fanglord Dyno-mite."
"I want to be Fanglord Dyno-mite", whined Jesus sluggishly as he flopped onto the table.
"Uhm... No." I responded as he started snoring.
It was a great party.
So... anyway... uhm... that's sorta why me getting the Jesus award thing was pretty funny... and stuff...
So there I was, standing in the corner of the living room with my back to the rest of the the party. I had just been staring at my feet, and was getting ready to switch things up and stare at the wall when Jesus showed up at the party.
He was all like, "Heya Clark, I'm just here to say good luck to you in Germany. JESUS, SHA-POW!!"
He dropped to one knee, lowered his head and stretched his arms out like an airplane. Suddenly the room erupted in sparkles and pyrotechnics and a booming voice declared, "JESU-WHAA?!?!!!! JESU-WHOO?!!?!?."
Everyone applauded at this entrance, but I wasn't impressed.
"Hey you! Yeah, you! What the hell is your problem!? No one thinks you're cool. No one thinks you are better than me. Why don't you just get the hell out of my way!"
This surprised everyone since, apparently, no one knew I was even at the party.
Clark was all like, "Anton? What the hell!?! You weren't invited to this party. I've only met you, like... once. How did you find out about this party"
And I was all like, " I used the Internet, but there is no time for that now Clark, I gotta set this guy straight."
Jesus was all like, " Don't worry, I can handle this."
And I was all like, " Oh yeah? Can you handle this...?" and with that I started dancing.
It was magnificent; everyone fell silent. They stood there slack-jawed, in awe of my skill and grace. There was no music playing, but my movements mirrored the music that was in everyone thoughts and hearts. As I finished the number with jazz hands, every one blinked tears away and one of the girls sobbed in her boyfriends arms.
"That...that was beautiful. Such grace, such strength... and jazz hands. Anton, I'm sorry i didn't invite you to my part", sobbed Clark as he leaned against my back.
"That's O.K. Clark, I forgive you."
"Well...I...Uhh...that is...lets see you do this", spluttered Jesus as he tried recovered his composure. He waved his hands in the air and suddenly there were cute little rabbits everywhere with flowers sticking out of their backs. They hopped up to girls at the party and offered their flowers. When the girls took the flowers, the rabbits combined into one big puff of smoke that smelled a bit like like perfume and rainbows.
There was silence.
"Sorry Jesus, not good enough", I declared as everybody erupted into cheering and applause and rushed to pick me up and carry me to the couch. Once on the couch, I was brought a crown and a scepter and declared emperor of the party. As every one began to get back to the party, I noticed Jesus sitting by himself in the corner.
I walked up tho him and sat down.
"I'm sorry... I think I got something in... my eye" said Jesus as he turned away from me to hide his tears.
I was all like, "Hey buddy, don't cry. Sometimes, life doesn't play by the rules. Come over here and drink with me."
Jesus wiped his eyes, turned to me and said, " You are as wise as you are an awesome dancer."
We went back over to the couch and sat down.
About 15 minutes/6 drinks later we were laughing and giving each other high-fives.
"O.K. Jesus, here's what we're going to do, you and I. We are going to fight crime together. You can be Lord Jesus of the Anton brigade. I'll be Fanglord Dyno-mite."
"I want to be Fanglord Dyno-mite", whined Jesus sluggishly as he flopped onto the table.
"Uhm... No." I responded as he started snoring.
It was a great party.
So... anyway... uhm... that's sorta why me getting the Jesus award thing was pretty funny... and stuff...
Friday, January 2, 2009
What's that buzzing sound?
It's Will Eisner spinning is his goddamn grave. You know that guy you know that would seriously have sex with anyone or anything at anytime? He like got all pumped when he brought home this upright wildebeest "Dude, she's still got a vag." Well, if The Spirit were a woman he would totally punch that bitch right in the fucking forehead and be like "Get the fuck away from my goddamn cock and balls you filthy diseased crawling thing!" This is a bag of dicks, it's that creeping fucking feeling you get when you're trying to figure out if you've got an ingrown hair or herpes, when neither option is good, and you're all "Come on please be a nasty infected, ingrown hair." DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. Stay home and fuck your dickhole with a rusty screwdriver instead. Eva Mendes shows her bare ass in this aborted donkey of a flick and even that can't save it.
Its probably screaming about getting ass raped for 8 bucks. Fuck you Frank Miller.
Heya peoples, its me!
Dear everyone,
Are pretty girls really soo awesome? Lets think about this logically; if pretty girls are awesome, then doesn't it follow that they should give me a high-five when I offer one? It shouldn't matter if they know me or not or if it is at an "inopportune" time or whatever. I say that pretty girls should should have to give high-fives whenever offered. I know that my girlfriend, in theory, would give me a high-five if I offered up one and she is very pretty. I wonder if the whole pretty thing is not actually directly related to awesomeness at all. If that is the case there should be a high-five test to determine if someone is awesome or not. I'm getting kinda tired of my assumptions, which are many and ridiculous, turning out to be wrong. So the next time someone offers you a high-five, give it up. I don't care how pretty you are, you are being judged. That is all.
Are pretty girls really soo awesome? Lets think about this logically; if pretty girls are awesome, then doesn't it follow that they should give me a high-five when I offer one? It shouldn't matter if they know me or not or if it is at an "inopportune" time or whatever. I say that pretty girls should should have to give high-fives whenever offered. I know that my girlfriend, in theory, would give me a high-five if I offered up one and she is very pretty. I wonder if the whole pretty thing is not actually directly related to awesomeness at all. If that is the case there should be a high-five test to determine if someone is awesome or not. I'm getting kinda tired of my assumptions, which are many and ridiculous, turning out to be wrong. So the next time someone offers you a high-five, give it up. I don't care how pretty you are, you are being judged. That is all.
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